


I Don't Want To Die

by NonReviewingReadersWillBeShot



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama & Romance, F/M, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2018-05-25 11:49:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6193975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NonReviewingReadersWillBeShot/pseuds/NonReviewingReadersWillBeShot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Herald of Andraste faces a dilemma, the world needs her...but so does Cullen, so when she leaves for the Darvaarad she says goodbye for the last time, will she return? Will she Survive?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love And Fear

**Author's Note:**

> To all you readers out there, this is my first Inquisition fanfic but not my first Dragon Age fic, I have already written one for Dragon Age 2 about Fenris and Fem Hawke, which is on my fanfiction account. This is a retelling after the events of speaking with Solas after he leaves through the Eluvian, some of the plot will be altered to tailor to my story but not too much. I’m writing it in first person as to give the reader a more personal feel, Cullen will never refer to the Inquisitor by the name I chose for her, and will instead address her according to canon, with the addition of ‘wife’. As you can tell this story is centered around CullenxDalish Fem-Inquisitor, so I hope you enjoy and maybe drop a review or two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levellan says goodbye to Cullen for the last time, or is it?

  _It couldn’t end like this…why must it end like this…had I not endured and suffered enough from the threat of Corypheus, had I not been forced to make decisions that I should not have had to make, did I not sacrifice those I wished I didn’t have too for the greater good, was that not enough? No, fate had deemed it that I would have to endure much more than that. Now the cost of saving the world yet again was my life, why had it come to this? I wasn’t worried for myself, I had resigned myself to my inevitable death long ago, but I was worried…for Cullen._

_Not long ago we had been joined in marriage, a quick stolen moment to pledge ourselves to each other despite the turmoil of the exalted council that threatened to destroy us after all the good we had done. So long had I waited for the moment when we would become one, I loved him more than I thought I could. He was the only man I had ever been with and truth be told I never thought I would find myself falling for a shem of all things, but he was so much more than an elven word laced with disgust, he was the love of my life._

_I had pledged myself to him in my own words, a promise of my people, when he had proposed to me, I was overjoyed but scared at the same time, I knew Cullen was an Andrastian. Despite how much I hated living as the Dalish lived, and didn’t care for my own gods, that I barely believe in, I couldn’t promise myself to him with words that rang hollow. He had told me that he wanted my promise to be true, and I was glad when he accepted that I was going to use a promise of my people._

_I had never felt as much joy as I had when I spoke those words, because even though he would probably never know, that promise was the most meaningful thing to me. Hearing him say the same made my heart soar that much higher, Maker I loved him. But what was it all for now, I was going to die, that promise wasn’t going to mean a thing, I was going to leave him alone in the world when he needed me most. When we were in our makeshift meeting room my mark had flared up, everyone who was arguing soon moved to stand before me as I almost broke down in tears. I was scared to die, I didn’t want to die, not when I knew the world needed me to save them, not when the man I loved needed me most of all._

_Cullen could see how scared I was, and Maker, I could see the sorrow in his face as he realized our marriage wasn’t going to last long. Despite how Josephine and Leliana were watching, he walked forward to embrace me, that embrace was something I sorely needed, I clung to him as if my life depended on it, for all I knew this was the last time I would feel his loving arms of safety wrapped around me. I slipped my fingers into his perfectly maintained hair and pulled him into a kiss, which he returned with more passion than I believed I had ever felt from him. We separated and he brushed the tear that had begun to run down my cheek away with his thumb and smiled at me, that smile tore at my heart more than I thought possible…he was saying goodbye._

_We turned back to the spymaster and diplomat, even though Cullen left his arm wrapped around my waist, needless to say that after that display my cheeks flushed hot with embarrassment. Leliana left to alert the council of what had transpired, and Josephine had left to sort out her papers, it was just me and Cullen that remained after he informed her he was going to have people watch the eluvian in case Qunari came through it._

_I perched myself on the table we were using to discuss strategies, and Cullen stood in-front of me holding my hands in his, was this going to be our last goodbye I wandered, I prayed to the Maker, the Creators, and whoever else might be out there and listening to make it so that I would live. My forehead rested on his as I tried to control my breathing from the searing pain that radiated in my left arm on occasion so that he wasn’t aware as to the full seriousness of the threat that the mark posed._

_“Cullen I…” I made to speak but he raised a finger to my lips, I searched his eyes, and all I could see was grief which in turn caused my own eyes to well with tears,_

_“I know you’re going to try and apologize for the situation my dear wife.” He began as he cupped my cheek with his large hand, and I leaned into it as a tear slide down my cheek and slipped off my chin,_

_He lovingly brushed it and many others from my face as he continued to speak, “I meant what I said, the moment you became my wife it made everything we had done worth fighting for, you completed me. And I have no regrets…when you return, we will find a way, I will find a way, to save you.” He had a determination in his voice that was not unlike him,_

_“Cullen…if I don’t make it back, if my mark kills me before I can see you again…I’m sorry, I should never had pursued you knowing that the mark could have done this at any time, I never wanted to leave you…”_

_He cut me off abruptly as he once again pressed his lips to mine in an attempt to silence me or reassure me I don’t know, he pushed me back against the table as he leaned over me, his weight pinning me down. He continued the assault for a few moments more before he paused for breath._

_“You’re not leaving me.” He said almost breathlessly,_

_“Cullen, you know I might not make it back.” I said, his optimism was strange but comforting,_

_“I know you’re going to make it back, I regretfully sent you to Corypheus and you made it back to me, this time is no different, but…I want you to know I have no regrets, marrying you was the best decision I’ve made in my life, I will never regret that. You know I don’t have time to say goodbye to you properly, so you’re just going to have to come back so I can.” He gave me a cheeky smirk as he pushed himself onto me further, despite the situation, causing me to smile,_

_“With that kind of inspiration, you know I will.” I joked, but then returned to seriousness, “Pray for me my love, so that I may feel your embrace one more time.” I said cupping his face that was mere inches from mine,_

_He studied my face searching my eyes for any sign that would assure him of my return, he held my wrist and slid his hand under my back lifting me up he set me back on the floor and pushed me against the wall his hand at my head still prohibiting my leaving, his face still mere inches from my own, he was making use of any moment that he could steal._

_“Not even death could keep me from you.” He said as he leant down to kiss my neck,_

_“Then I won’t disappoint…if you can wait for me at the eluvian when I return…I don’t know how long I will be but…”_

_“I’ll be there.” There was no hesitation, he would wait for me as long as he had to, he moved the hand that was beside my head to hold my hand, “Come I’ll get you geared for the fight to come.”_

_“You’re very helpful Cullen, perhaps I should almost die more often.” I joked,_

_“Any more than now and I’ll have grey hair before my time, Maker I think I’m already changing just from our fight with Corypheus.” He brushed his hair over with his hand returning it to the swept back look he always had,_

_Cullen had proved to be very helpful indeed in helping me gear myself for the coming battle, I couldn’t blame him, though it did make me smile and blush sometimes. He kissed me one last time before I left in front of The Iron Bull, Varric, and Dorian, I was pretty sure I heard Dorian make a comment to Varric about how cute we looked but I couldn’t be sure, I was distracted with other things._

_The battle was a lot more hectic than I had thought it would be, we even had to face a freak’n Dragon, although Bull wanted to kill it I wanted to free it from the torture the Qunari were putting it through so I freed it, it flew off killing several more Qunari as it went. The Vidasala I had gone to kill had tried to turn Bull against me, she had even called him by his Qunari name, Hissrad, but he had flatly refused her, he was considered Tal-Vashoth now, he had no intention of betraying me for them._

_Which I am grateful for because I am not sure I would have been able to strike him down, not after everything we had been through. I had finally found out from the Vidasala that Solas had been betraying me the entire time he was the one who had given the orb to Corypheus, without him none of what I had been made to endure would have been necessary. I was going to kill him, I had never liked him, sure I had helped him save his spirit friend but there would be no hesitation now he was going to be a very dead elf._

_Once I had defeated the Vidasala’s Saarebas my mark had become significantly worse, I followed her through the eluvian, but my team hadn’t followed me perhaps they were sent to another eluvian instead of being sent with me, I didn’t know. I was startled by the frozen Qunari just outside, but I navigated my way past them and found Solas talking to the Vidasala warning her not to pursue him. She tried to kill him when his back was turned and he froze her like all the rest._

_Once that was done, I called out to him, he was surprised to see me but ignored that and assumed I had questions, which I did, after our talk I found out that he was not only an agent for Fen’Harel he was the damned Dread Wolf! He told me how he wanted to destroy the world in order to return the elves to their former glory. Perhaps there was one day a time when I would have given anything to have the elves restored to what they used to be, but not now, not after learning the truth about them._

_He also assured me that I was going to die, the mark was killing me and he was the only one who could have used the mark and lived, he said he was going to help me, that he lured me here so that he could. He did something to the mark on my hand and told me to live well while time remained…By this time the mark had already consumed my arm to the elbow, I really didn’t have much time left._

All these thoughts had rushed through my head in the span of a few moments, as I dazedly tried to comprehend everything that had just happened, but in my state it was a lot more complicated than I would have liked.

The pain was getting worse there was no denying that, it was crippling now, my energy was spent, and there was a long road back to the winter palace, finally my team made it through the eluvian to me, I could hear them, I called out to them and they finally made it by my side. They all saw that my arm was engulfed by the mark and were all worried for me.

“Maker’s Breath…Herald you can’t die on me now, not after I made you a Comtesse, that and if you die, Curly might as well just join you.” I got to my feet and stood shakily,

“Varric…Dorian, tell Cullen what happened…Iron Bull…I…” I almost passed out and collapsed as the Iron Bull caught me just in time,

“I got ya Boss.” He said assuringly as he positioned me in his arms to carry me more comfortably,

“I’m sorry…I can’t help you back…”

Dorian hovered over me from what I could see through the slits in my eyes as they refused to open, “Don’t worry my friend, I know the way back, you just hang in there until we can find a way to help you.”

I let out another loud shrill of pain, “Come on Sparkler what are you waiting for lead the way.” Varric pressed,

“Follow me everyone and no delay, Bull carry her as gently as you can but keep up pace.” Dorian instructed,

“I know what I’m doing, just get a move on.” Iron Bull retorted,

The mark was causing so much more pain than I thought it could, but with ancient elven magic I realized that I should always expect the unexpected. I’m not sure how they were navigating their way back through the eluvian’s, perhaps Dorian knew what he was doing after all, I didn’t know, but I trusted them, after all I didn’t have much of a choice.


	2. May The Dread Wolf Never Catch Your Scent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levellan's group tells the tale of what transpired at the Darvaarad and the news is unsettling at best.

When we were back in the Winter Palace, I was almost incoherent, but I could hear his voice, Cullen, he was barking orders to the men, and attempting to find out what had happened with the Qunari. And more importantly…me.

“Cullen…” I called, he responded in a moment,

“I’m here Inquisitor.” I knew he must have noticed my arm by now and was panicking more than he was before about my untimely demise,

“Solas…couldn’t stop the mark, I don’t have much time…I…” I was cut off as my hand pulsed again and I screamed in pain,

“Solas…”

Cullen was surprised to hear the elf’s name come up, but wasn’t concerned about it at the moment, he took me from Bull and carried me in his arms, he had the Orlesian healer on standby for when I had returned though I didn’t think it would do any good at all, if Solas couldn’t even save me what hope did I have.

He laid me on the table of the healer’ room, where most of my armor was stripped away and he then looked over my arm to see what he could possibly do and Cullen stayed by my side the entire time holding my other hand for support, and though I know I hurt him I would squeeze it with all my might when the pain racked me.

Finally the healer spoke to Cullen to bring him up to speed with the situation, “There is nothing I can do for her, this goes far beyond any magic I have ever seen, let alone know how to treat…I am sorry.” He said regretfully,

Cullen turned to look at me, his eyes desperately searching my face for any sign that I was going to be alright, he needed me to be alright, but there was nothing I could do, or say that would make this any better. I steeled myself for the decision I was about to make and then turned to the healer.

“Cut it off.” I said hoarsely,

“Inquisitor…” It wasn’t hard to tell that Cullen was surprised by my words,

“My Lady in your condition it could kill you faster than this strange magic.”

“I’m dying anyway…and if I have to die, I don’t want to say I didn’t try, please, I’m begging you to do it.” There was desperation in my voice that was summing up my intense desire to save my own life despite the risks; I had too much to live for,

“Levellan…my love, what if this shortens the time we have left.” Cullen sounded scared,

“Cullen, I’m a Rutherford now, and I’m going to fight with every last breath I draw, I’ve faced down far worse odds than this, with your strength to aid me, I know I’ll make it through this…I have luck on my side as well.” I smiled slightly as I reminded him of the small token he had given me on our journey to Ferelden,

I saw him smile as he looked at me with my love and compassion, but my expression soon twisted to pain as my hand pulsed again and I let out a small cry. The healer soon realized that not much time was left, and I heard him usher Cullen out of the room so that he could call his helpers in to do what I had asked. I turned to see Cullen regretfully leave me, as the healer then addressed me.

“There is no guarantee that this will save you, in all actuality it could hasten your death.” He said,

“And yet if I do nothing I am a dead woman anyway, what have I got to lose.” He sighed in agreeance with what I had said, before he gave me a vile to drink, and soon the world around me faded to a comforting black emptiness.

(Cullen’s Point of View)

So many things were running through my mind, I find out that the elf apostate who had been missing for two years shows up and has a hand in the situation my wife was now in, I have no idea whether the Qunari threat has been dealt with or the only reason they returned was because of her situation, and to top it all off the exalted council has been hounding us relentlessly for days. Leliana and Josephine joined me, Varric, Dorian, and The Iron Bull in the room where we planned our strategies so that we could discuss whether the mission was a success or not.

“I trust you have good news for us Varric?” Leliana began,

“That Nightingale depends on how you look at it.” Varric replied on a sigh as he rubbed the back of his neck,

Leliana chided herself with how careless she had been, “The Herald’s…condition has worsened it is unclear whether she is going to…survive or not.” I replied,

“Andraste…Maker, save her!”

“Excuse my carelessness I should have noticed the Herald’s absence, if you need to be with her Commander this meeting will manage fine if you wish to leave.” Leliana said,

“As much as I would love to be with her, I was made to leave while the healers work.” I answered taking a breath,

“Work? So there is a chance that Lady Levellan will be alright?” Josephine asked,

“That remains to be seen, at present they are working on…removing the mark from her, so it won’t take her life.” I replied pausing to find the best way to explain the situation,

“Andraste watch over her.” Josephine breathed as she understood what I was saying,

“If there are no further questions I would rather direct our attention to the information we have gathered, if one of you would like to start.” I dismissed the previous conversation hoping to distract myself for but a moment from the pressing concerns of my wife,

Dorian was the first to speak, “Well for starters it’s been made clear that the elven gods that the Herald no doubt worshiped were nothing but powerful mages, and it appears one of them is still around and one of his agents was a part of our inquisition from the very beginning.” He explained,

“That much was obvious when we traveled to Mythal as the Herald explained that while she was in the fade with Morrigan trying to find Kieran they met Mythal who used the power she had over the Inquisitor to stop Morrigan from making a move against her. But you say that one of the elven god’s agents were a part of the Inquisition, who was it?” Leliana asked,

“It’s always the quiet ones, it was chuckles.” Varric began, “He caused the hole in the sky by giving the orb to Corypheus, it’s why he knew how to save the Herald from the mark when we had her imprisoned, and how he knew how to close the rifts when we were trying to reach the forward camp, he also lead us to Skyhold for a reason that we haven’t yet uncovered.”

“He was also responsible for pushing a dying Qunari through the Eluvian and into the Winter Palace, to draw us into a conflict with them, intentionally starting all this.” Dorian added,

“They also had a dragon, no doubt the name for Dragon’s Breath, we freed it and I have no idea where it is now, or if it will be a threat, and after the fight we had I doubt I can dig up any old contacts to see what the Qunari are planning now.” Iron Bull finished,

“Solas!” Josephine and Leliana gasped,

“You’re telling me that from the very beginning that bastard was lying to us, manipulating us taking us down the path he wanted us to follow because he gave an ancient elven artifact to a Darkspawn old god Magister and something clearly went wrong, so he needed us to clean up his mess?!” I demanded, by this point with everything that had happened I was more than a little irritated,

“It would seem that way.” Dorian answered,

“Maker’s breath, I swear if I ever get my hands on that elf again.” I threatened,

“You say Solas was an agent for an elven god, which god?” Leliana asked,

“Fen’Harel.” Varric replied, “According to what the Herald believed Fen’Harel is the Dreadwolf, god of betrayal or rebellion, but as you can see he is only a very powerful mage, whose orb placed the mark upon her hand.”

“And what did he stand to gain from giving Corypheus his orb?” Josephine asked,

“That we don’t know, any other information we have depends on the Boss’ survival.” Iron Bull said,

“So we have no idea if the Qunari threat is dealt with, and now we have to worry about a very powerful apostate whose intentions we know nothing about?!” I almost shouted as I walked away from the table striking a nearby wall with my fist,

“Do we at least know what happened with the Vidasala?” Leliana asked,

“Yeah, she was a statue next to the Boss, and she was about to throw her spear, so one can only assume she was trying to kill Solas and didn’t come anywhere near succeeding.” Iron Bull answered,

“Well since the council is retired and we have nothing further to do, I suggest me find a comfortable room in the tavern and discuss everything we know over a meal…” Leliana said,

“And perhaps a drink…or two.” Varric added,

“I will fetch Cassandra and meet you all there.” Leliana continued, as she then left the room with the others except for Varric who stayed behind to talk with me,

“I know it’s probably pointless to ask, but how are you holding up Curly?” He asked,

“How am I supposed to feel? Thedas is on the brink of war with the Qunari, and the moment the Inquisition is needed more than ever, the exalted council is trying to destroy or leash us.” I answered not turning to face the dwarf,

“That’s a threat of course, but I was talking about the Herald, I know that’s what’s bugging you the most.”

“Why are you suddenly so interested Varric?” I asked,

“Believe it or not Curly I have few true friends that I care about, the Herald is one of them, her and Hawke are the two closest friends I’ve ever had, I want to see her survive this mishap just as much as you. That and I think she deserves to be happy, Maker knows that after everything she’s had to deal with she deserves it, you just happen to be the only thing that does that for her. I want to hear about you two growing old together watching your children mature into fine adults.” Varric explained,

I turned around to face the dwarf after an explanation like that; it hadn’t occurred to me before that after Levellan took him on every adventure she went on that some sort of bond would naturally have formed.

“You’ve probably spent more time by her side than I did when we were fighting Corypheus but during that time, she changed my life more than I thought anyone could. I was struggling from Lyrium withdrawal, I almost injured her by throwing a box of Lyrium I had on my desk at the door, I didn’t see her come in. I was at one of the lowest points of my life, yet she saw through that, made me believe that I could conquer this, that I could sever the leash the Chantry and my old life had over me. She showed me that I could…care for a mage after everything I’d been through at Calenhad.” I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment to banish the memories of my past,

“Considering I remember in Kirkwall you saw mages as a blight upon the world, she must have really done a number on you, for your sake more than mine then, I pray that Andraste or the Maker brings her back to you.”

“If she dies…Maker preserve me, I don’t think I could…” If she did die, I would have no reason to keep going…

“Now now Curly, stop thinking of the worst case scenario, if my adventures with the Herald have showed me anything it’s that She has the same determination to live like Hawke did, and that’s more determination than I’ve ever seen. So if she has the will to live, death itself wouldn’t be able to claim her…plus I’ve never liked seeing humans cry…I’ll meet you at the tavern.” Varric dismissed as he was about to walk away,

“Varric.”

“Yes Curly?”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Varric then walked away, it was the deepest insight I had ever seen into his personality, he really did care a lot more than he ever let on, although keeping the Champions location a secret from Cassandra should have said as much. I knew others must have had a good relationship with her, but I selfishly thought only of myself and what I could lose, it’s all I could think of, how scared I was at the thought of losing her.

I wanted to be alone perhaps to mull over what had just happened, or sit and mope about my wife’s potential untimely death, but with how tense the air was around me now I needed to escape its confining atmosphere. Perhaps I did need a drink, and a meal, Maker knows she would hound me once she woke if she found out I hadn’t eaten. I brushed my hair back into its position with my hand and then rested it on my sword hilt and walked out of the room with what felt like all of Thedas resting on my shoulders.


	3. Hearing Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cole's ability to detect another's pain brings up past trauma.

We were all seated in the Tavern and after some time had passed Cassandra was brought up to speed with what had happened, I mostly drank and poked at my food which was putting off everyone else.

“So we have more questions than answers now it seems.” Cassandra said,

“Yes and unfortunately we are unable to learn more because of the Herald’s condition.” Leliana answered,

“I knew there was something strange about Solas when I first met him but what I didn’t know was that he had caused the problem we faced.” Cassandra continued,

“I will admit I am surprised you assumed knowledge of this ancient magic was easy to come by, but then again I suspect you don’t really know anything about magic and mages do you Seeker?” Dorian asked,

She sighed, “You are correct, and at the time any help we could get was much needed so I never thought to ask where it came from.”

“None of us could have foreseen that our future enemy would help us stop Corypheus, beating yourself up over it accomplishes nothing Divine Victoria, we must look to the future to plan how to combat the threat at hand.” Josephine said,

“Josephine I have told you multiple times to call me by my real name, being Divine is nothing but a headache; I would cherish a moment to return to being just another Seeker of Truth.” Cassandra sighed,

“Many eyes and ears are upon us your Grace, and amongst nobility we must always keep up appearances, even if we are seated in a tavern.” Josephine explained,

“If my time in Tevinter has taught me anything it’s ‘Always smile everyone even if you want to stab each other in the heart’ at least that way they think you’re pleasantly trying to kill someone.” Dorian joked,

“How’s the reformation efforts coming along anyway Dorian?” Iron Bull asked,

“At a guess, it’s coming along quite nicely assassins have only attempted to kill me several times so far, which says I’m doing something right or just making a lot of powerful people angry.” He answered,

“Ha ha, with that attitude Sparkler I know you’ll whip those Magister’s into shape.” Varric teased,

“With how much support I’m getting from my countrymen, I may as well put out a flyer asking them to stop practising blood magic.”

“I have faith in you Dorian, if anyone can make a difference in Tevinter it is you.” Cassandra said,

“Coming from you, that encouragement is something I sorely need to get this idea on its feet.”

At this point everyone’s eyes had fallen upon me as I was sitting there silently poking at my food and drinking, I didn’t know it was so unlike me to not engage in conversation.

“Commander I understand your concern but perhaps you shouldn’t drink anymore tonight, it would not be wise if the Qunari were to attack us by surprise.” Cassandra suggested, I barely heard her, “Commander…”

“Yes sorry what was it?” I asked, I looked up to see everyone staring at me,

“Cullen I think you should either go check on her or get some rest, you look like you need both.” Cassandra said,

“You’re right…I’ll take my leave then.” I said before I rose to my feet to leave the tavern not giving much thought to addressing the others before I left, I did need to check in on my wife, it had been several hours after all,

“Maker’s Breath and here I thought Broody would stop functioning if something happened to Hawke, but Curly seems to have died inside already and the Inquisitor isn’t even dead.” Varric said on a breath of what seemed to be exhaustion,

I didn’t know what to expect when I returned to the healer, I knew she would be missing her arm, but I couldn’t picture her perfect body marred by amputation, I didn’t want to, although the reality was all too real to deny. I walked through the doors and the first sight I saw was my wife strapped to the table with leather bindings. I was horrified and paused mid-stride, her face was covered in beads of sweat, but as I continued walking and got closer I could see her entire body was sweat ridden.

I noticed that she was indeed restrained quite well, surely there was no longer a need to keep her tied down like an animal if the…process was complete, I walked over to her and peered down into her weary face. I brushed the hair away that was already wet and clinging together, she was still so beautiful; I looked her over and saw that her arm was covered in partially blood-soaked bandages; her arm had been removed just above the elbow.

It pained me to see her like this, so I gently caressed her head, it had often calmed her when we were in each other’s company and she was worrying about Corypheus. I didn’t notice the healer had walked over until he spoke.

“I have good news for you commander.” He began,

“What is it?”

“The amputation seems to have saved her life, the strange magic has had no more effect on her body, I’ve been monitoring her for at least an hour, so provided fever doesn’t consume her in this weakened state she’ll make a full recovery as far as I can tell.”

My heart soared, though she wasn’t out of the woods yet, the immediate danger had passed, Maker be praised she was going to be fine.

“Does that mean you can unbind her now, surely if the process is over she doesn’t need to be restrained any longer?” I asked,

“It wasn’t my decision to keep her tied down, it was the young man who came to see me.” The Healer answered,

“Young man?” I was slightly puzzled,

“Yes Commander it was my idea to keep her like this.” Cole said revealing his place in the room,

“Why?”

“Dull growing pain, running, have to get away, small enough to hide, followed, can’t hide, running faster.” Cole muttered in his usual broken speech,

“What are you talking about what’s going on?” I asked slightly alarmed, but then I saw Levellan twitch, “You’re in her head, what’s going on!” I demanded,

“I came here because I could hear her pain, I wanted to help, but she won’t wake up…there’s nothing I can do to help, so I stayed to listen.” Cole answered,

“Then why is she tied down?”

“She won’t wake up, it’s going to get worse, it’s getting worse.” Cole replied,

“Branches whipping at my face, small cuts, must keep running, footsteps beside me, family, mother, father, yelling behind me, ‘Stupid knife ears you can’t escape!’, rocks cutting tender flesh, hoof beats behind me. Arrows flying past me, no sense of direction, running, staying alive.” Cole stammered in broken speech as he watched the dream,

I stood there frozen; she was having a nightmare of her past, but how far back I couldn’t tell Cole never provided enough information to pinpoint anything, except for a small rundown of what was going on. I didn’t want him to stop but at the same time I did, I wanted to be there for her but at the same time I felt as if I was invading upon a privacy that she had not seen fit to tell me.

“Turning, attacking, throwing fire, missing, keeps trying, losing ground with every failed attempt, ‘Stop running…Apostate!’ looks to side, mother can’t keep up, growing tired, won’t make it, have to make it.”

“Apostate…” The word caught my attention; they were Templars, hunting her for being a mage outside the circle, I looked back to Levellan and she was trying to thrash around,

“Pain! Red hot burning pain! Shoulder suddenly on fire, deep buried in the flesh, found it’s mark, falling hard, didn’t see the stone, ‘Don’t stop running, forget about me, save yourselves!’ bleeding but defiantly snaps the arrow, turns to see horses, barely escapes being trampled, rolls away, hears screams, looks up to see my family die, Templars cut them down, dead, tears, hot, stinging.”

I stepped away from her she was trying to thrash around wildly, if it were not for the bindings she would have hurt herself, I remembered tracing my hands on her back and finding a scar just below her shoulder. She had moved my hand but I didn’t know why, I had no reason to believe it was because of the scar, since she seemed to enjoy tracing her fingers over the one on my lip.

“Standing to face them, ready to die ‘Shields in front at all times men, a cornered apostate will turn to blood magic’, weary, to weary to fight, I’m going to die, creators I’m going to die, I don’t want to die, lost too much blood, I’m surrounded, dull blunt pain at the back of my head, falling forward, he pushes his foot against the arrow wound, sharp hot pain.”

I was startled when my wife suddenly let out a loud scream and arched her back slightly, I walked over to her again and looked into her face that was contorted with pain and fear, this was a torture to watch but not be able to help.

“A kick in the side, rolling over holding myself to protect against further blows, rises to crawl, still need to escape, Crack, broken, falls to the side, blood flows from my nose, chocking, can’t breathe. A kick to the stomach, gasping for breath, again, again, again, again and again, bruises form on soft white skin, ‘Men show this apostate the Templars finest treatment, dispose of her body once you’re done’.

‘Creators…Andraste save me, or let me die…or give me the strength to kill them all’ dragged roughly to my feet, pushed against a tree, rough lips force themselves upon mine, a muffled scream of discomfort. Clothes rip, rough hands pulling, there’s a hissing in the air, gasps of breath, falls to the ground, moans in pain, looks around the Templars are…dead, eyes fuzzy losing consciousness, sees people walking over to me…black.” Cole stopped and looked over to the Inquisitor who had fallen still,

“What happened?” I asked a little concerned,

“It’s over, the pain is gone, and you can untie her now.” Cole answered,

“What did you just witness Cole?” I questioned,

“Commander, it is not my place to tell you what just happened, it is hers, there is nothing more I can do now.” He answered as he then turned and left the room,

I wasn’t even sure what I had just witnessed in Cole’s broken story-telling it looked as if Templars had found her and killed her family before trying to…kill her too. How did I not know about this, why had she never told me, did she keep it from me so that she wouldn’t have to worry about me thinking she hated me because I was a Templar? There were so many things I needed to know about this encounter, although when she was going to be able to tell me about them I didn’t know, no doubt she didn’t want to.

The healer had been here the entire time and had listened and watched everything that had gone on a moment ago, and the silence that ensued as we both untied my wife was uncomfortable to say the least. I wasn’t about to carry her to our room in what she was wearing so I took off my fur and robes and wrapped them around her before taking her in my arms ready to leave, but before I did I addressed the healer.

“I expect you to keep what happened here to yourself, because if you don’t the Maker himself will have to come down from the golden city to save you from what I’ll do.” I threatened,

“Of course Commander I would never tell another living soul.”

“And…thank you for saving my wife.”

“Don’t mention it, I will frequent your room to make sure she is healing well and to change her bandages, but for now, she needs rest, and a comfortable place to do that.” He said,

I nodded and then turned to carry my sleeping or unconscious wife to our room, I wasn’t about to put her to bed in the condition she was in, I was going to clean the sweat from her body first, she would be thankful for it when she woke. The task turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, and it felt wrong doing it somehow since she wasn’t even conscious, but I completed it nonetheless before once again wrapping her in my fur and robes before putting her to bed, soon joining her. I didn’t know how much sleep I was going to get but watching over her was the priority.


	4. Sleep Lethalan…Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime's someone's worst enemy is themselves.

The following morning found me lying awake in bed staring at the roof listening to the breathing of my wife sleeping what seemed to be peacefully by my side, I had to keep her from rolling out of bed several times while she slept. I turned to look at her, and noticed that her face was covered in sweat again so using a cloth I had on the bedside table I wiped away the sweat and removed the hair from her face.

Placing my hand on her forehead I could tell that she was stricken with a fever, which meant I had to go find the healer so he could give her something to break it. Shifting to a sitting position with my feet planted on the floor I looked over to the chair where I had discarded my armor; quickly adorning it I took my wife in my arms and placed her in the centre of the bed before returning the covers. Taking one last look at her fragile form I left the room.

On the way to the healer I ran into Cassandra who eyed me strangely at first, “Commander, I went to see the healer to find out about the Inquisitors condition but he told me that you had taken her last night, I’m relieved to find that she will live.” She said perhaps one of the biggest smiles on her face that I had ever seen,

“As am I, the healer did say that she’s not out of the woods yet however, she has a fever and in her condition that might be just as life threatening as the mark was.” I explained, still noticing she was looking at me strangely,

“You’re going to bring him to her now?”

“Yes.”

“If it’s alright with you I would like to accompany you, see for myself if she’s alright.” She said,

“Of course, I assume the others will check in on her later as well, Varric seemed especially concerned.” I explained,

“That dwarf hides a lot from us it doesn’t surprise me to hear of his devotion to the Inquisitor after all they did go together on every journey, Maker knows why, his stories are good though so perhaps that is why.” She thought to herself,

Finally I had had enough of her looking at me strangely so I decided to ask what was so enthralling, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Forgive me, I have just never seen you without your fur and robes, that and I am used to seeing you with a look that said you were in control of every situation possible, so I was staring.” I had forgotten all about the fact that my wife was still wrapped in them, and was it really that obvious that recent events had gotten to me,

I sighed, “Is it that obvious that this whole ordeal has taken its toll?” I asked, I trusted Cassandra, I had after all deferred to her when I chose to stop taking Lyrium,

“Yes, but the last few days have been rough for us all, you and the Inquisitor however seemed to have received the worst of it.” She answered,

I ran my hand through my hair smoothing it, “Is it wrong of me to hope that the Inquisitor can give up her duties if only for a little while, especially now since she isn’t exactly capable of continuing.”

“No, but it seems we will always be needed even if the council cannot see that, we need to be able to focus on repairing the world now that the breach has been closed and Corypheus is dead.”

“I thought we had been doing that over the last two years, but now it seems any work we have put into repairing has been destroyed by Solas and the Qunari.” I reasoned,

It seemed that Cassandra wanted to stop and talk to me about all this but I wasn’t stoping, I had missed Cassandra when she left to become divine, but I would miss my wife far more than I would anyone else, at times I thought that I would even miss her over any of my family members, but she was…family now, wasn’t she. I had given her a piece of my heart, and now I was dependant on her for my life blood, she was a part of my life now; losing her would kill me as surely as anything.

“Just remember Commander that even though her survival is everyone’s top priority, you need to look after yourself as well, I’m sure everyone would miss you just as equally.” Cassandra said, she gave me a look I hadn’t seen from her before, it seemed to be genuine concern for my well-being,

“I am.” I protested, she looked at me with a half-smile,

“You need to see yourself in a mirror Commander.” She said with a giggle,

“I will but I don’t see what all the fuss is about.” I continued,

Even though the walk to the healer was relatively short we talked for the entirety of it, which did help to calm the turmoil that was building inside me even though it was still present. The healer was cleaning up his work station before he washed his hands and walked over to address us and our needs.

“Your Grace, Commander.” He bowed slightly before Cassandra, “How is the Herald?”

“She’s down with a fever, and burning up rather quickly, I’m here to see if you have anything to help with that.” I explained,

“As I feared, she needs plenty of rest, water, and these elixirs I have here, I will accompany you back to her room, so I can change her bandage as well, just let me pack the things I will need.” He said before he then scurried about his room retrieving things from shelves and cupboards,

“I would also like to know when she is to waken.” I added,

“Wait…she is not awake?” The healer asked,

“No she isn’t, when was she supposed to wake up?” I asked a little alarmed at this point,

“That tonic I gave her was only supposed to put her out for a few hours she was supposed to wake up naturally this-morning…this isn’t good at all, I must see her at once.”

I was overly-concerned now, she hadn’t woken up when she was supposed to, she was suffering from a fever, and she had had no time to recover from an amputation, by the looks of her pale complexion her body wasn’t coping very well at all, but he had warned us about this hadn’t he…Maker’s Breath.

We followed the healer who was leading us at a rapid pace back to the room I had been sharing with her, it seemed that by the way he was walking he was just as concerned about her as I was. We entered the room and to my relief she was still in the centre of the bed bundled up in my robes as I had left her, my biggest concern was that she had rolled of the bed while I wasn’t there to stop her.

The healer set his bag down and opened it quickly, but without taking anything out he placed his hand on her forehead, he then drew a small lantern out of his bag, “Someone light this for me.”

Cassandra took the small lantern and lit it in a moment, “Hold it close to her face.” He instructed, as I moved closer to get a better look at what was going on. He lifted her eyelid for a moment, before continuing to do the same to her other eye.

“I don’t understand why she won’t wake up everything in that area is fine…perhaps she simply does not wish to wake up.” He said,

“What do you mean ‘doesn’t want to wake up’?” I asked,

“This is not the first time I’ve seen this, sometimes when I have put people under for various reasons they don’t wake up when they should, because for reasons I was never able to find out, they didn’t want to wake up, something that would greet them when they woke up was prohibiting it. It is not unlike a defence of a kind, it is the brains way of protecting itself from further harm that it might come to should say, she wake up.” He explained although I barely understood what he was trying to say, all I understood was that she wasn’t waking up and that worried me,

“Is it a danger to her life?” Cassandra asked,

“Possibly, we cannot get her to drink while she is like this because she could choke, although the rest that this is causing is good for recovering from her ordeal. I would prefer it if she was to wake up so we could treat her properly but I will make do with the situation…Commander if you will help me with the bandage.” He explained,

“Of course.”

While I was helping the healer I watched Cassandra move to the foot of the bed to observe my wife, strangely she had a peaceful countenance considering she was running a high fever, I could tell that much just by holding her arm so the healer could replace the bandage. I watched as Cassandra mumbled several things under her breath, perhaps she was cursing, or perhaps she was offering up a simple prayer, either one would fit the situation.

I couldn’t look at what he was doing, I couldn’t see her like this, it pained my heart to see her like this, even more so now in her unknowingly vulnerable state. Cassandra being in the room was almost a blessing so that I could direct my attention to something other than what was going on right next to me. Occasionally I would unconsciously divert my attention to my wife’s face, as I studied every detail from her soft youthful face to her perfectly done Vallaslin.

My mind wandered as I remembered countless times when we were in each other’s embrace how I would run my finger across her Vallaslin tracing its lines, the one she had was simple yet beautiful. Her Vallaslin was like two branches under both of her eyes, most of the Dalish I had seen in my time had very complex markings, but not my wife, she was simple and perfect. I had asked her why she had Vallaslin, it made sense to me that if I was going to understand the woman I loved better, I should understand her customs, and she was more than happy to explain.

I had to admit I was a little put off by the fact that her tattoo was made out of her own blood, but I knew it wasn’t unusual for her clan so I readily accepted the practise as well. It was a sign of her adulthood, and if I had a say in the matter, I would agree with what I fine woman she had grown into, I found myself remembering our more intimate moments and it put small grin on my face. Maker I loved and wanted her.

I was quickly severed from my thoughts as the healer addressed me, “These tonics should bring her fever down, I will give you a few, give them to her when her skin starts to become hot to the touch, it would be dangerous to let her progress to this level again.” He explained as he placed several vials into my open hands,

“How am I supposed to get her to drink them if she isn’t awake.” I asked,

“I’ll show you.” He replied,

He instructed me to move from where I was seated on the bed, once I had he took my place and pulled my wife towards him so that she was resting against his chest, watching this made me uncomfortable but didn’t prepare me for what came next. He leant her head back and removing the cork from the vial, he then opened her mouth and emptied its contents, he then held her mouth shut as she began to convulse mildly as she choked before falling still again.

“Are you trying to drown her!?” I was more than appalled,

“Not at all Commander, in her state she is awake and can function like you or I, so she is in no danger even if she has some trouble getting it down, her refusal to join us again though may take time so we have no choice.” He explained, “Unless of course, you can convince her to wake up.” He said as he then hopped off the bed to collect his things,

He blew out the lantern and packed it back into his bag after discarding the old bandaging Cassandra asked him several things before he made ready to leave.

“Send for me as soon as possible if her condition takes a turn for the worst, other than that, do as I have instructed and see to it that she gets plenty of rest.” The healer said before he bowed to Cassandra and left the room,

Once he was gone I walked back over to my wife and re-positioned my robes around her and set her comfortably back in the centre of the bed bringing the covers once again back to where they were under her chin. I looked over to Cassandra who was watching me most curiously, I stood to my full height again and looked away shyly, I wasn’t used to anyone seeing my acts of affection for my wife yet.

“I must admit when I was talking to the Herald about following her heart and to disregard what anyone else would say to pursue happiness, I was surprised to hear that you two had gotten married.” She said,

“You know we’re married?” I was surprised she had heard about it, I hadn’t had the time to tell anyone,

“Yes, Varric told me that he found out from the herald that she planned to propose, or something like that, when she seemed surprised with what I was talking about I had assumed that Varric had lied to me, but it seems she was just as surprised as you that I had found out about what you two had done. I must admit that when I found out, I was a little concerned for her given that I knew your personality, I wanted her to be happy…a concern for a dear friend. But now I can see that my concern was misplaced, she deserves someone like you to care for her.” She explained,

“I…uh…that is…” I cleared my throat, “Thank you.”

I looked back over to my wife who had shifted to snuggle herself against the fur of my robes more than she was, which brought a smile to my face that also helped to fuel the embarrassment I felt. Cassandra just seemed to be soaking up every ‘cute’ thing I did, Maker’s Breath I thought this would be more up Varric’s alley, but if Cassandra was this bad Varric was going to be far worse.

“If Solas can infiltrate our Inquisition so easily there might be more spies than we know, Leliana has found a few but it takes time, how will you protect the Herald while you are not here?” She asked,

“I have a contingency for that; let’s just hope that I managed to teach him something.” I answered before I then let out a loud whistle,

It wasn’t longer before the Mabari I had bought from the merchant walked through the door and over to me, I rewarded it for obeying my command before I looked to Cassandra.

“You found a Mabari here?” She asked,

“Yes it seems he was abandoned by his previous owner so I rescued it, that and I thought it would…make a good…gift.” I explained,

“And what did she think of it?”

“She seemed quite taken by it, in the free moments we could steal from the exalted council we’d play with him together.”

“I’ve heard that once a Mabari has a master they can never have another, it seems he thinks you worthy to be his master does he have a name?”

“The one he had when I got him was not fitting to this noble beast, his name was ‘Bubbles’ I haven’t given a name much though, for now I just call him by whistling, I was going to have the Herald help me choose a name…perhaps when she wakes up she’ll have a good name.” I said,

“Perhaps…once she overcomes whatever demon she is afraid to face by coming back to us.” She said,

“I wish I knew what that was.” I sighed regretfully,

“I do to.”

I crouched down to the Mabari’s height, “Alright I know you’re not good at dodging but you better be good at guarding, watch her and protect her.” I ordered, it then walked over to the bed and sat down in front of where my wife was sleeping,

“Well it seems he can do something after all.” I muttered under my breath,

“Dodging?”

“It’s a long story…” I sighed,


	5. My Greatest Fear Is You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the one you love is twisted into your most hated enemy what hope do you have?

(Inquisitors Point of View)

After all the time we had spent together…it was there, no matter how much he did to show me he loved me and would do anything for me…it was there, and I couldn’t shake it. The nagging fear eating at me in the back of my mind, he ‘was’ a Templar and I am a mage, at first I stayed away from him, indeed our first meeting had me on edge at the temple of sacred ashes. I spoke with him only when I had to unless he started a conversation with me, in which case I made use of every opening of escape that presented itself.

The feelings I had for him wouldn’t leave me, no matter how many times I dredged up the past and tried to envision one of those Templars being him, in truth I think doing that only fuelled the fear I now felt. I wasn’t sure if I was scared of him or scared that he would hate me for being a mage. That’s why I didn’t want to wake up, I didn’t want to return to the fear and the possibility that he would hate me, if he was going to I would rather sleep until death claimed me.

At least here I could dream, walk the fade and be free, it was almost comforting to have demons offer such tempting things to me, at least it was a change, a change from the fear, death, war and…Cullen. Creators I missed him so much, but my fear outweighed my desire to see him again. It was foolish and I knew it, did I not remember how distraught he was when he said goodbye before I went to the Darvaarad, how he made use of every moment longer he could steal to show me how much he wanted me to return…safely.

But no matter what I did, this fear was lodged and it wasn’t going away, it was the first time I was ever able to control my dreams with full consciousness. But even so, flashes would haunt me, I’d look down to see my hands covered in blood and I would look in a mirror to find that I had ripped the Vallaslin from my face my…slave markings. Just because the rest of the world didn’t know that Vallaslin was the way the pantheon marked their slaves doesn’t mean that I could accept it…I knew, and I hated it. And then pain, endless pools of pain would surge through me, I would scream for what seemed to be hours.

I’d look to my left and find that my arm was gone, I was no longer whole, finally this whole damned thing had marked me irreversibly, that was another thing that caused me fear, could he love me if I were no longer whole. Why was the greatest fear that I had have to be because of Cullen, before all of this all I had to do was think of him and I would find strength and joy…but now. The one pure thing in this whole damned world was causing me more grief than I thought it ever could, why him, why did this world have to take him from me too.

So many times had I been tortured by my worst fear, that he would leave me, walk out on me, tell me that what we had no longer meant a thing, why was I such a fool for letting this eat at me. He married me not so long ago; he loved me…didn’t he? Could he take back everything he had said that day so quickly? The images danced before me again I clutched the sides of my head to stop the vision.

“Of course he doesn’t love you, why are you finding it so hard to believe?” I heard the voice, I looked around and I was staring at a mirror image of myself,

“Who…are you?” I dared to ask,

“Who do you think, I’m you.”

“You can’t be…what do you want demon?” I questioned,

“I am no demon; I am simply your conscience, the side to you that acknowledges what you know to be true about your Templar lover.”

“Don’t you dare, he is so much more than that, he is my husband!” I spat back,

“Yes, yes, you keep telling yourself that if you like, he told you what happened to him at the Ferelden circle, you really believe you…a mage can claim his affections, you have no idea what he did to mages when he was not supervised by the order.” My double said,

What if this thing was right, he did say I should question what he’s done, did this mean that he did kill mages.

“Yes that’s right question him, his commitment, he doesn’t love you, he never did, he was lying to you, he only wanted one thing from you.” It continued, I wrapped my arms around myself feeling unclean,

“How could you be so foolish, don’t you remember what Templars are like, how could you forget…” The images of that night flashed through my head,

“I haven’t forgotten, how could I forget something like that.” I answered,

“Then why you stupid girl why didn’t you listen to me all those years ago, he doesn’t love you…oh what you think because he told you he loved you it makes it to be true?”

“But I…” I stammered,

“Your lover is going to kill you before the mark can, be no doubt he will kill you himself, and gain that last bit of satisfaction from ridding the world of one more mage.”

“You’re lying!” I convicted,

“Am I…why don’t you ask your Templar for yourself.”

“Stop! He’s not a Templar anymore, he gave up that life!”

“Once you’re a Templar you never stop looking at mages the way they do.” My image said,

“Get away from me demon!” My mirror image simply laughed at me,

“I already told you, I am no demon, and I am not going anywhere.”

The images flashed through my head again and I doubled over in agony, I wanted to wake up, needed to wake up, if this nightmare was indeed what I had to look forward to when I awoke, then let it end.

(Cullen’s Point of View)

Another day had come and gone, another day the healer came, dressed her wound, and on his departure I would redress her in my robes the way she was before the healer had moved them. The Mabari was doing his job quite well; he had attacked a wash girl who was actually an elven assassin, sent by one of the Ferelden’s which didn’t surprise me since they glared daggers at us upon our arrival. I started to wonder if my wife was ever going to wake up, would she ever return to me, Maker why was she leaving me.

With every day that slipped by I watched her fade away little by little, if she didn’t wake up soon she was going to die, not from fever it would seem, but because she had not eaten or drunk anything for some time. Her fever was all but gone, after I had to endure forcing her to have the vial of liquid, the pain I felt was so strong I found himself tearing up at one point. I had never forced her to do anything, especially not while she wasn’t even coherent of the world around her, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was violating and overstepping my boundaries.

The way she convulsed in my arms as she choked to get the medicine down was gut wrenching it felt like a torture to not only her but me as well, she couldn’t give up on me now, not after I endured all that for her. For the time that she was unconscious however the Qunari had not been a problem, there were no attacks and the scouts we sent through the eluvian reported no signs of Qunari either. So reluctantly I dressed myself for a meeting with the exalted council to inform them of the assassination attempt and also of the condition my wife was in, because they were growing impatient and wanted to resolve the meetings.

Josephine had warned me that since I was to take the Heralds place I was to be on my best behaviour, as if I would do something to jeopardize the Inquisition. However she was right to warn me, with some of the questions they asked I could have drawn my sword to threaten a few of the little weasels. I felt sorry for my wife having to endure this, because if there was one thing I knew about her, it was that she hated these gatherings just as much as I did. But to be fair when she returned to me after these meetings she did ‘talk’ a lot about them.

“So you don’t know if the Qunari threat is dealt with?” Arl Teagan asked,

“No we don’t.” I replied,

“And you don’t know who this agent of Fen’Harel is or what his plans are?” The Orlesian continued,

“No we do not.”

“And when will you know if we can finally stop worrying about an invasion from the Qunari?” The Orlesian asked,

“We won’t know anything, until the Inquisitor has finished recovering, as we have said before.” I answered,

Their next question had me standing up with Josephine pulling my arm to make me sit back down, “You’re asking us to stop pretending the Inquisitor is recovering from injuries sustained while at the Darvaarad?” I asked,

“Yes commander, sister Nightingale informed us of what transpired and she never mentioned anything about the Herald being incapable of making it to our meeting.” Arl Teagan replied,

“She is not recovering from any injuries.” I said,

“So you admit that it was all a rouse.”

“At this very moment the Herald is fighting for her life, the price she was willing to pay for saving both of you again from a Qunari invasion, and here you are accusing us of lying to you all.” I continued,

The Orlesian piped up, “I was not accusing the Inquisition of such things, I in fact believe sister nightingale left that fact out so that the Inquisition didn’t seem weak when we need them most, don’t you agree Arl?” He asked,

“I…yes of course, I withdraw any accusation I placed against the Inquisition.” Teagan agreed reluctantly,

“When do you think she will be able to return to these meetings?” The Orlesian asked,

“At this point in time, she will not be, and it is unclear if she ever will again.” I answered,

“I see, the concerns of this meeting have been taken care of, Arl Teagan simply wished to know the condition of the Inquisitor, the rest was merely formality, so if we are done here we shall resume the meetings at either news of the Inquisitors death, or until she shows up herself.” Cyril de Montfort said as he eyed both Arl Teagan and Cassandra,

“Yes this meeting is postponed until either of these outcomes is met.” Cassandra said,

I couldn’t wait to get out of there, I had had enough of being on display for foolish nobility, especially since they had no intention of treading carefully and their only intent was to drag us as savagely as they could through the mud. I had more pressing concerns, I had my mind filled with nothing but my wife and the thought of her never waking up, which was becoming all too real as the days came and went.

Did she even have the energy to wake up, or was she so malnourished that this was all she could offer, a few more days of lying in silence until I failed to see her chest rise and fall letting me know there was no longer hope. Everyone was worried about me, and I suppose they had good reason, sometimes I would see my reflexion in a window and see how hollow and empty I had become. But how else could I feel, the light of my life was slowly slipping from my grasp and with it the drive to care or fight. How many hours had I spent in total now sitting in silence watching over her? Almost being driven mad simply by the silence of the room and my thoughts tormenting me. Maker even the dog was starting to worry about me.

Once when I was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, I succumbed to my feelings, I had locked the door after I had entered so I was not worried by someone finding me in this state. I had held these feelings in for some time, and it was killing me, I had no one to talk to, I was alone, alone like I had been before she came into my life. How could she leave me after everything we had, shared and felt…everyone saw me as a figure to be admired a man who was always in control, a man who was always strong. I wasn’t strong, she gave me that strength, and no it was gone.

The Mabari stood next to me and licked my hand gently, offering his simple sympathy, he looked at me with his ears sagged and whining, as if trying to comfort me. How I had fallen if I was seeking comfort from this Mabari, he sat beside me and rested his head in my lap as my pent up emotions continued to run free. When I had composed myself to a degree I rose from the chair and walked over to where the motionless body of my wife was lying, my furs snuggly wrapped around her frail frame.

The Mabari positioned himself under my hand so that it rested on its head, I stroked his fur gently as I continued to peer down into my wife’s beautiful…beautiful face. I crouched down and cupped her cheek in my hand, she wasn’t burning up anymore, her fever had broken a while ago, and she was out of the woods in that aspect. Now her hardest challenge was going to be opening her eyes, but when she did I wanted to be there, I wanted her to know I never left her, I was always there.

“When you wake up my love, I will always be by your side, I will never leave you again, I will protect you from whatever may come in the future, hear this and believe it, I will never let anything like this happen again.” When I had finished saying that I saw and felt her nuzzle herself against my hand, fresh tears sprung to my eyes and my shoulders slumped, Maker why did I have to endure this, had I not done my best to be faithful, why must I face such trials.

I sighed as I broke myself from my memories, it was not something I wanted to remember just now, I looked over and saw Varric walking towards me, he wasn’t holding the same expression as usual.

“Varric.” I greeted,

“Curly…how’s the Inquisitor?” He asked,

“Do you really want to know?”

“If I’m going to be attending her funeral I would like to know about it in advance, after all she is one of my closest friends.”

“Not good, she lies there as if one of the dead, she never moves and if it wasn’t for being able to see her breath I would think she was dead.” I answered,

“Makers Breath…how long has she been out of it now?”

“Three days…with each day that passes I lose hope that she will ever return to us, she cannot go forever without food or water.” I explained,

“I know…look I know you won’t tell me how much hell you’re going through right now, but I just want to say that you’re doing a good job of hiding it from everyone, if we didn’t know you so well or know you are married to her we would think you were fine. Not that I expect you to follow through on this but…if you ever need to talk to anyone, I’ll listen, I know what it’s like to lose someone, I had to kill my own brother. I don’t expect you to trust me but as her friend I thought it only right to offer you the courtesy.” Varric offered,

“I am grateful though.”

Varric sighed, “At least take this.” He said as he handed me a small pouch,

“What is it?” I asked curiously,

“You spend most of your time with your wife so I thought I would give you some food so you don’t starve, I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating right lately, and I don’t blame you, just thought that I would try and help. You’re no good to her if your own health goes on a decline.” He reasoned,

“Thank you.” I was about to walk away when I saw he had more questions,

“I haven’t seen her since we brought her back through the Eluvian…not sure if I need your permission, but can I come by later, I’m not sure I’m prepared for what I’ll see but I’d like to anyway.” He said,

“Of course Varric, I think…I think she’d like it if you came by, why not come with me now?” I offered,

“I got some things I need to take care of at the moment, but later, I’ll stop by.” He said,

I nodded in acknowledgment as we then went our separate ways, I was grateful for what Varric had said, he was right, what good was I to her if I couldn’t even look after myself. She needed me at my best, I needed to be strong for her but Maker knows how hard that was, part of the reason I spent most of my time with my wife now was that assassination attempt by the Ben’Hassrath agent. The Mabari had done a good job keeping her safe but I didn’t want a second attempt to succeed.

I sat on the bed and gently ran my hand over her hair, I wasn’t sure if she could appreciate my efforts to comfort her while she lay sleeping, but I knew she liked it when I did this so I didn’t mind.

(Inquisitors Point of View)

The tormenting visions that constantly hounded me where beginning to destroy my mind I couldn’t continue like this, the man I loved and wanted desperately to see again was being poisoned inside my mind. How many times had he killed me now I didn’t know, I had lost count, but every time it was different playing on a different time in my past it was corrupting my love for him, twisting it to fear and despair.

In the last vision I had been locked in a dungeon and was only brought out when Cullen wanted to torture me, the pain I always felt was so real, I felt every lash, beating, and burn. My body was in constant pain, I would huddle in the corner and hold myself as the endless spasms of pain racked my body, my flesh was torn, battered, and burned, I barely even recognised myself anymore. When he came for me he was rough, and I would scream and cry as he dragged me to his next torture technique that awaited me. Most of my teeth were missing, blood still oozed from my mouth my whole body was in so much pain that I wished I would just die, but he told me he would keep me alive as long as possible before he was finished.

I peered through the bars of my cell and there he was watching me, I pushed myself further into the corner, and he laughed at my fear, he took out his keys to unlock the cell. I started screaming for him to leave me alone but as he unlocked the door he continued over and kicked me in the face, I lay motionless as he grabbed my foot and started dragging me across the floor. I kicked and screamed again and again, though the fight was useless, it always was but I fought, the only thing that drove me to survive was that I would kill him eventually.

But suddenly the fade changed, I looked around, I was in bed, I was in Orlais, had I ever left Orlais or was I just in one of its dungeons, I tried to move but I found that I couldn’t. I struggled as much as I could but nothing happened I couldn’t move, I could only move my head and see that I was lying straight in bed, I wanted to find out where I was and what was going on.

I saw Cullen enter the room, I was instantly scared, here I was lying in bed unable to move and here he was capable of doing anything to hurt me and there was nothing I could do about it. He soon noticed that I was awake adorning a smirk on his face as he walked over.

“So you’re awake now are you, shame that, I thought I would be rid of you.” He said,

“Cullen please…don’t hurt me anymore.” I begged,

“My dear, your pain hasn’t even started yet; I’m going to make you hurt more than you thought was possible.” He sneered,

“Why are you doing this?” I demanded,

“I’m doing this so you know just what pain and suffering I went through while I was imprisoned at Ferelden’s circle tower.” He replied,

“Haven’t you done enough to me?!”

“I haven’t even scratched the surface.”

He removed his gloves and discarded them on the floor as he continued over, he hopped on the bed and crawled over to me as he placed his knees on either side of my hips and rested on my legs. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to stop me from struggling even though I couldn’t move, he drew a small sharp dagger from his belt and placed it to my cheek.

“You hate your Vallaslin do you not…” He said,

“Cullen please…no.” I breathed,

“So let me help you be rid of them.”

He slid the knife under my skin and I shrieked in pain, he wasn’t gentle as he drew the dagger back and forth quickly to cut my skin off, when he was done he lifted it in front of my eyes so that I could see what he had done. Tears streamed hot down my face and I screamed for someone to help me.

“Someone! Anyone help me please!”

“Stop screaming mage, no one can hear you, and even if they could, no one cares.” He sneered,


	6. Will I Dream?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen knew what he would have to face when his wife awoke, but he could never prepare himself for what was to come.

(Cullen’s Point of View)

I don’t know what suddenly made my wife scream so loud that is startled me and at first I had no idea what had just happened, but then I saw her begin to move around. I had been stroking her hair gently before she nearly made me fall off the bed from the sudden outburst, I didn’t want to hurt her and I didn’t want to see her hurt herself so I did the only thing I could think of. I mounted her and gently rested on her legs to stop her kicking I then used my left hand to hold her arm still but Maker she didn’t’ stop screaming. I didn’t want to but I placed my other hand over her mouth to stop her from screaming.

Bad timing at work, Varric, Dorian, and Cassandra rushed into the room obviously having heard her screams, “Commander…” Cassandra saw me in this position and instantly jumped to conclusions,

My cheeks reddened as I turned to face them, “This…isn’t what…it looks like…” I stammered, “She isn’t even awa…” I trailed off with a grimace as my voice hitched,

“She bit me.” I said that mostly to myself,

“Someone please help me!” My wife screamed, the small group soon hurried over and saw that her eyes were not open,

“She must be having one really bad dream.” Dorian remarked,

“Maker’s Breath Inquisitor…”

“Cassandra send for the healer immediately!” I ordered, she hurried off to get him,

“Cullen…” My name drew my attention immediately,

“Please…I’m begging you, don’t hurt me anymore.” She pleaded as fresh tears ran down her face,

“Commander?” Dorian Questioned,

“I…I don’t know what she thinks I’ve done to her, I swear to Andraste I haven’t done a thing.” My wife was making me look like a monster, she screamed again,

When they had come over I quickly moved off my wife and Dorian held her legs to keep her from hurting herself or them, it was all we could do until the healer got here to give her something that would calm her down.

“I’m sorry I’m a mage! Just kill me and rid the world of one more mage! Please stop hurting me!” Her crying had almost distorted everything she said but I could hear it clearly,

“Maker…no…” I was distraught at this point,

“She thinks you want her dead, what she’s seeing you do to her right now…demons are making her think these things, she’s stuck in the fade in her dreams.” Cole said startling all of us because we didn’t know he was there,

“What does she think I’m doing?!” I demanded,

“I’m not sure you want to know.” He answered, “She is feeling the pain you’re inflicting, the pain is real, I don’t know how but she is feeling real pain even if her body isn’t showing any signs of injury.”

“Tell me what’s happening!” I ordered,

“You cut the Vallaslin from her face.” Cole replied, “I’m going to make you regret the day you came into this world…abomination.” He took on what could almost be considered my voice,

“I…I would never say that…sweet blood of Andraste…I’m so sorry my dear.” How dare this demon twist my personality,

“If I was less human I could…help her.” Cole said regretfully,

“It’s alright kid, we know you want to, don’t beat yourself up over it.” Varric said,

She screamed again, I didn’t want to know what else that demon had twisted my form into doing, but cutting the Vallaslin from her face, that was something I would never do, I loved her Vallaslin. At least now I knew why she couldn’t wake up the demon that was haunting her in her dreams had trapped her in the fade, and it was killing her. Cassandra entered the room followed by the healer who saw all of us holding my wife down while she desperately tried to move around to get away from…me.

“Hold her up, I have a tonic she needs to drink, it will stop her from dreaming and will hopefully allow her to wake up in a few hours.” The healer said quickly as I lifted my wife into a sitting position,

As before he poured the liquid into her mouth and held it shut when she had swallowed it we were left holding her for at least a few minutes before she eventually fell still in my arms. Dorian released her legs and I returned her to lying straight in bed, pulling the covers under her chin, if all went well she would be awake in a few hours.

“What did you give her?” I asked,

“A small dose of the tonic I gave her when I removed her arm, this time she should only be out for an hour or two.” He answered,

“If it has indeed severed her from her dream that should mean that the demon has now lost control of her in the fade, and if that was indeed what was keeping her from waking up she should be fine now.” Dorian theorized,

“Not quite, there is still the matter of her having gone without food and water for three days, she will be really weak, so her recovery process will be long and slow.” The healer added, “But yes if she is not held by a demon, than the worst should be past.”

“A demon had control of her?” Cassandra asked,

“Yes Cole…who is no longer here explained what was going on.” Dorian said as he looked around to see that Cole was gone, almost like a ghost,

“A word of advice Curly, you may not want to be too close to her when she wakes up if Cole’s insight was enough to say you may be the last person she wants to see.” Varric reasoned,

I didn’t want to admit it but he was right, with everything that I no doubt did to her in her dreams I would definitely be the last person she would want to see.

“You’re right, I will stay here to watch over her until she wakes up but…I will keep my distance.” I agreed regretfully,

“The demon used Cullen to torment her?” Cassandra asked,

“Yes…with what she thinks I did to her, no doubt when she wakes she will think I will try and hurt her again.” I answered,

“She cannot think that, not after everything she has been through with you.” Cassandra reasoned,

“You didn’t hear what the demon did.” Dorian said,

“What…did it…”

“It made her think the Commander cut the Vallaslin from her face.” He replied,

“Andraste save us all…” She breathed,

“With how long she has been in this state it is safe to assume the demon had control of her the entire time, and using the fear she has which has something to do with the Commander, there is no telling how much the demon tortured her.” Dorian continued,

I stood with my back to them as I watched the Mabari jump onto the bed and rest its head on my wife’s stomach; it must have been able to feel her pain as well. So many things were running through my mind, could she love me again after this, could she let me touch her again after this, or would it cause her to remember the pain…I inflicted. I remembered how long it took me to move on after what the mages did to me at Ferelden’s circle, there was no telling how long it would take for my wife to trust me again.

“Curly has a lot to think about why don’t we discuss this somewhere else.” Varric reasoned,

“You two go on ahead I’m going to see the healer back to his practise there is something I wish to ask him.” Dorian said, as they left the room together,

I hadn’t really noticed they had left; I was too busy thinking about what had transpired, this would alter our relationship so much, and I wasn’t sure what would come of it, but it worried me. What if when she woke up she left me, at this point I didn’t know which was worse, that she left me because of her dreams, or if she never woke up and died in her sleep tormented by my image. And if the demon was using one of her fears against her, why was she afraid of me, had I really done that much to make her question my love for her? Of course I had the question had arisen before so no doubt it was something I said or did.

The one good thing that ever came out of my life was now spoiled, tainted, and destroyed by magic, just what did I have to look forward too if and when she awoke. I knew that the pain I would feel when I would see her look at me with eyes full of fear would nearly cripple me but was I really imaging the true magnitude of how bad it would be…of course not. How could I know how bad it would be until those eyes that always looked upon me with love and compassion twisted to fear and despair. I could feel my emotions creeping upon me…but I held them back if there was a time to let down my guard and bare my soul for all to see, it would be when I faced her.

She needed to see me in my most vulnerable state so that she would know I was sincere and true with what I would say, if only she would hear me out instead of screaming for aide. The wait I had before me was going to be agonizing, there was no telling how many hours I would have to wait, if she would even wake at all. I seated myself in the chair in the corner of the room where I had been many times before watching her, making sure I could still see a rise and fall of her chest, to know she yet lived.

Hours had passed, how many I didn’t know, but darkness had set in outside so the hour was late, I had nearly fallen asleep many times while I waited, I hadn’t been sleeping well since she returned from the Darvaarad. It was then that I heard it, I heard her moan slightly, I got up from my chair and lit several lanterns around the room while her stirring became louder. When the room was adequately lit I walked over to her to see if she was waking up or dreaming again, as I observed her I noticed that her eyes were starting to open. This was the moment I had been longing for and dreading.

When I felt I had stepped far enough away from her, I stood and waited, I didn’t know how I appeared to her in her nightmares but since I had adorned my casual clothes that I wore under my armor I assumed I looked less threatening. She opened her eyes slowly no doubt becoming accustomed to the lighting of the room, for a few moments she didn’t move and looked at what her current field of vision allowed. I fought against every instinct and fibre of my being to keep from rushing to her side and embracing her, it was a torture that was almost impossible to bear.

She finally moved her head to the side and observed more of her surroundings, she had not yet seen me, she turned her head again and that was when she saw me. It felt as if a knife had been shoved into my heart when I saw her large eyes switch instantly from curiosity to fear, it hurt so much more than I had readied myself for. I called her name softly which caused her to push herself out from under the covers and force herself back as far as she could against the headboard, she let out a distressing grunt of sheer pain as she did so.

“It’s alright, I’m not going to hurt you.” I tried to calm her,

“Stay away from…me.” Her voice was wavering and laced with fear as the tears that formed in her eyes left glistening trails down her cheeks,

Maker this was killing me…I took a step backwards to show her that I meant her no harm, I noticed she looked at me strangely but she still didn’t trust a thing.

“This game again…I remember…what happened the last time...I let my guard down and you comforted me…you will not claim my body again demon!” She ground out those words with more venom than I had ever seen in her, her teeth ground together while tears still ran hot,

That was all I could take, knowing that the demon had tortured her in every way imaginable broke me, it had taken every last glimmer of hope I had left, and I was never going to get my wife back. I felt my legs giving way and so to stop myself from falling I turned and leant against the window frame I closed my eyes as a tear slid down my cheek and landed on the window sill. Why her! Why did they have to take her from me! Why not me instead, I would gladly take the pain away from her, I would do anything to make it so this had never happened to her. I slammed my fist against the window sill in both pain and anger.

“What are you waiting for…break my bones, burn my flesh, beat me, nothing is new anymore…you’ve already done it to me many times before.” She spat,

Why did she have to address me as if I was the demon that had been tormenting her, it was making it ten times harder to keep myself composed. And telling me to…do those things to her ‘again’ how much of this could I take before I just came undone, I had intended to show her I was sincere in what I said but this…this isn’t how I wanted it.

“I…I don’t want to hurt you.” I said, pausing briefly to compose myself, I didn’t turn to face her,

“What…new game are you playing?” She demanded, the hate dripped from her words unmistakably, her voice was still distorted by both the pain and her tears,

I turned to face her slowly my face couldn’t have indicated my despair more even if I tried, “My love…my beautiful wife…you’re not dreaming anymore, it’s really me…” I stumbled slightly with my speech,

I saw her hesitation briefly, “I…I don’t trust you demon!”

I turned away from her…I couldn’t, I couldn’t look at her as she looked at me with such vile hate, I wasn’t going to convince her I was real, and how could I blame her after what she’d endured. But I didn’t give up yet, the Mabari seated itself at my side and nuzzled my hand, I brushed my hand gently over its head, at least he understood.

I turned towards the chair I had previously been sitting in, “Do you know how much time I’ve spent in this chair…watching over you, watching for the rise and fall of your chest to let me know you were still alive. I’ve sat here for days doing nothing but assuring myself you yet lived by focusing on nothing but your breathing, I didn’t know if you would wake up, none of us did, I’ve never been more afraid. When I brought you here after the healer had finished with your request, I wrapped you in my robes, so that even though I would have to leave your side a part of me would…still be with you.

The first night I barely slept as I kept you from falling out of the bed, every other night I couldn’t sleep because you had been so still I feared that if I slept I would wake to find you were no longer with me. When I didn’t have to patrol the Palace I would sit here, I left once because I had a patrol, when I returned I found that an elven wash maid that had come to care for you attempted to assassinate you. Were it not for the Mabari I fear you would not be here to question whether I am just another trick the demon decided to throw at you.” I said as I stroked the Mabari’s head I owed this beast my wife’s life, even if she…didn’t feel the same anymore,

I turned to face her, her face was still twisted with distrust, “Perhaps it’s foolish of me…but I didn’t want to…touch you while you were asleep because I felt as if I was betraying you, but the healer insisted that I make you drink a tonic to bring down your fever, you were burning up quickly. I had to or you would have died…but it wasn’t easy…it felt wrong, forcing you to drink the tonic he gave me was easily one of the harder things I’ve had to do, but you’re alive now…so it was worth it.” I had poured my heart into everything I said, she needed to know I meant every word,

I watched her notice she was wearing my robes I also noticed she pulled them tighter around herself, she stared at me desperately trying to search my face for any signs of truth. I could see she wanted to believe me but she was scared, she had no way of knowing if I was lying, if I was real, I wasn’t going to push the matter too much further.

“Cole told me what that demon made my image do to you…about your Vallaslin…I don’t know what else that demon did to you…but having my own experience with demons I know how hard it can be to move on. I don’t expect things to be the same between us as they were before, not after…what happened, but I will never hurt you, never force you to do anything you don’t want to…I love you. And if you wish that I leave…I will…but at least let me send for the healer, so that I know you’re alright.” I said, resigning myself to whatever outcome my wife chose,

She hesitated, she was confused, scared, she didn’t know what to believe and I had just left her with a lot to think about. Without knowing what the demon had used, I had no way of knowing if anything I said would work. The tears didn’t stop and I could see that she was finding it harder to determine what was real or fake, so without another word I began to leave the room.

“I…” She spoke and it stopped me from leaving as I turned to look at her,

“I…don’t want you to leave…” She continued, she didn’t look at me she stared blankly at the bed covers,

“I know you don’t know if I’m real or not…and it’s alright, I don’t blame you.” I replied, “You’re alive…and awake…that’s all that matters to me.”

“Cullen…” She was confused,

I didn’t know if I had to ask permission or not but it felt like the right thing to do, “May I come closer?”

I saw her subtle nod but as I approached I watched her fearfully push herself backwards, I didn’t know if she hated how she felt about me or not, but I did what I could to comfort her. My need to take her in my arms and hold her, to let her know everything was going to be okay was hard to fight but for now it was necessary. I stood by the bed looking at her, it still pained me to no end to see her like this, especially with me, she used to have a great deal of trust in me, but now it was gone.

“Is it…is it really you…Cullen?” She asked, a last desperate question searching for answers,

“My dear wife…it is the real me, the demon no longer has a hold on you.” I answered, as I took a seat on the edge of the bed,

She stared at me for what seemed like hours, I made no move to come closer, I made no move to reach out to her at all, if she wanted me to she would have to tell me herself, but Maker was it hard to not draw her into my arms.

“Please…co…come closer.”

I knew her frame was quite small but I didn’t know she could become smaller by huddling against the headboard looking like a scared rabbit. I moved closer to her, her body tensing with each movement I made, but then I sat still, simply looking at her, observing her fear, and confusion of my motives. I sat at her feet, I was close enough to her that if she moved her feet slightly she would brush against me, I studied her and saw…defeat, was she giving up.

I looked into her eyes for a sign of hesitation but there was none, I reached my arm out to cup her face, she flinched and I stopped, I waited a moment and continued, my hand then cupped her cheek. She leant into it and closed her eyes, I used my thumb to brush away her tears, she opened her eyes and looked at me, and it was fear mixed with sorrow.

“Cullen…I…please…” She couldn’t finish as her tears soon overwhelmed her,

I saw my chance and drew her into my arms, there was no hesitation as I wrapped my arms around her fragile form, and she gripped my shirt with her hand and cried effortlessly against my chest.

“Oh my love…it’s alright…I’m here…I’m not going to leave you again.”

I stroked her hair softly as I planted soft kisses on the top of her head, she cried hard, perhaps fuelled by the pain her body was no doubt in, I kept assuring her she was safe, and that I would protect her, but that only added to her crying. Occasionally she would try and speak but I hushed her, this was something she needed, she could talk to me and let me know everything afterwards.

“It…was horrible.” She sobbed,

“I know love…it can’t hurt you anymore, I will protect you.” She grabbed more of my shirt in her fist, needing to be closer to me,

“You…don’t know what it…did to me.” She continued, I hushed her calmly,

I shifted her position gently so that she could rest against me more comfortably, I didn’t want her to be in pain while I comforted her, and I wished I knew how much my touch was doing. In her mind I wanted to know how destroyed my attempts at affection were, because even though she wanted me to hold her, how much good was it even doing. Most of the time passed in relative silence between us, all that was mostly to be heard was her crying and my trying to calm her by talking softly.

She had composed herself after a long while but even so she didn’t move she still clung to me for all she was worth, and I didn’t want to move her if she could finally feel safe. But even so I was still worried about her, she was awake now but I wanted the healer to look her over in case the torture she received while trapped in the fade did more to her than I thought.

I spoke softly, “Did you want me to fetch the healer so he can look you over?”

“No…not tonight…just stay with me…please.” She pleaded,

“Of course I will…you must be in pain, did you want to lie down?” I felt her nod,

I picked her up in my arms and the moan that came from her was painful to hear, there was no telling how much pain she was in, I placed her gently in bed fixing the covers. Removing my now tear stained shirt I discarded it over a chair and slipped into bed with my wife she looked at me hesitantly and almost fearfully before I pulled her into my arms again. Her head rested on my shoulder and she lay on her side to be close to me, I began softly caressing her shoulder as I sighed heavily closing my eyes for a moment. Today had been a long day.

“Cullen…”

“Yes my dear?”

“If I dream…will the demon capture me again?” She asked, the evident fear in her voice left me perplexed, I didn’t know,

“You know this is real, when you enter the fade this time, you know he is fake and nothing is real, I’ll be here with you all night, remember that, and resist it.” I replied, it was all I could offer I knew nothing about mages becoming entrapped by the fade,

“He twisted my memory of you…everything I knew…he used against me…I can’t have that happen again…I can’t…”

“And it won’t, I will be watching over you.” I assured,

“You won’t leave me…will you?”

“No, I’m not going anywhere.”

Time passed slowly after that, and as I watched her drift off to sleep I couldn’t tell if it was going to be peaceful or not, one thing I knew was that she was going to be scared of sleeping for a long while. I still had nightmares from my time at Ferelden’s circle tower and that was years ago, but I prayed to Andraste that she wouldn’t have to suffer the same fate. Eventually I succumbed to exhaustion and slept, though now my sleep was hounded by the prospect of my wife leaving me.


	7. He Needs A Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's patience will be put to the test and his heart strained to it's breaking point, how far is one willing to go for love?

**_~_ **

_(Inquisitors Point of View)_

I was having a nightmare, when I was slowly drifting to sleep I knew this would be the outcome, Cullen had become a thing of pain and fear for me now, how could I ever feel the same for him as I did before. The only thing I could do is keep most of it from him, the less he knew about how I really felt about him now the better, and the less he knew about what the demon did the better. I could feel searing burning pain in my entire body, my eyes snapped open and I let out a pained cry, because as soon as I moved the pain become so much worse.

I looked to my side, Cullen wasn’t in bed, and I didn’t know where he had gone, “Cullen!” I called desperately, he told me he wouldn’t leave me and now he was gone,

I then saw him quickly exit the adjoining room and walk over to the bed, he had been adorning is armor, he sat next to me and cupped my check with his gloved hand.

“I’m sorry I was hoping to have finished before you woke.” He apologized, “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

I embraced him, holding him had become significantly different with the loss of my arm, I moved back and looked into his eyes, “Where are you going?”

“When you woke I was hoping to fetch the healer so he could examine you…this pain you’re in…worries me, I want to know that your life is no longer in danger.” He answered, looking away for a moment, “After everything you’ve been through over the last four days I…need to know.” He continued,

“Four days?”

“You’ve been sleeping for four days now, can you understand why I’m worried my love.” He looked at me worriedly,

“When the demon was torturing me it felt like an eternity, but I didn’t know it had been four days.” I was a little surprised it had indeed been four days,

I turned to him and caressed his cheek, “I’m sorry…for worrying you Cullen.”

“Don’t apologize if you have done no wrong…you’re fine now, and that’s what’s important.” He dismissed,

He started leaning towards me, I knew he was going to kiss me, I was hesitant, I didn’t want him to but at the same time I did, he placed a feather-light kiss on my lips and I tensed, my body protested, there was no denying he would notice.

He drew back and looked away, “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have done that, forgive me.”

I reached out and entwined my fingers with his, “Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong, I’m your wife, you have every right to want to kiss me.”

“I’ve wanted to ever since you woke up, but I knew I shouldn’t, with everything that…I should have resisted.” He hung his head still not looking at me,

“Cullen…please, you did no harm, if anything I am at fault.”

“Don’t say that…none of this is your fault, you did everything you could, fate be damned that it see fit to have a price for saving the world.” He protested,

“Cullen.” Grabbing the leather strap on his chestpiece I drew him closer until I placed a soft kiss on cheek,

I noticed that his beard was different, it wasn’t prickly and shaven like it usually was, there was a lot more hair there now, I giggled and he looked at me curiously as if wandering why.

“What’s this?” I asked as I ran my hand through the longer hair of his beard,

“Upkeep on my appearance wasn’t a priority while you were sleeping.” He said almost shyly,

“You will shave it though won’t you…for me?” I asked flirtatiously,

He cocked a half smile “Of course…for you my dear I would do anything.”

A small moment of peace passed between us, “Varric, Dorian, and Iron Bull informed us about what happened at the Darvaarad but they said that only you knew what happened with Solas, when do you think you will be able to explain to us what happened?” He asked,

“I don’t know, perhaps after I regain my strength, I am not up to it at the moment, I am sorry.” I apologized, but in my state I wasn’t fit to answer all their questions,

“No don’t be I was merely asking, the Exalted Council has been hounding us for news of the Qunari and the agent of Fen’Harel, but we don’t have the answers they want, only you do.”

In an instance I remembered how much I hated Solas, and how much I hated my Vallaslin, slave markings, my face twisted in anger and frustration as I remembered what he said to me before he left through the Eluvian. Cullen noticed that something was wrong as he watched me grow more and more aggressive towards the thought of Solas.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, he broke me from my train of thought,

“Nothing…I will explain everything tomorrow in our strategy room, get Leliana, Cassandra, and scout Harding, I will tell you all there what I plan to do with the Inquisition and how we will deal with…Solas.” I answered as I tried to control my fate for the elf,

“As important as this is, are you sure you are up to it so soon after waking up?” He asked, concern for me was clearly his top priority right now,

“Yes I am sure, the sooner this information comes to light the better.” I answered,

“Alright…but with your permission, may I fetch the healer?” He asked,

“Yes…”

“If you’re worried the Mabari will watch over you while I am gone…he has already saved your life.” He signalled the Mabari over and instructed it to guard me, it then sat in front of the bed,

“He may not be good at dodging but it seems he can guard rather well.” I commented,

“Yes, thank Andraste for that.” Cullen remarked before he took one last look at me and left the room,

“Well boy, I don’t want to keep calling you Mabari so let’s think of a name for you shall we, a name fitting of a mighty war hound such as yourself.”

_(Cullen’s Point of View)_

I didn’t want to leave her not now, especially not after I saw the first sign of affection from her which I cherished thoroughly, I knew I had overstepped my boundaries when I kissed her but she tried to reassure me. We had a lot to talk about, when that was going to be I didn’t know but we had to talk about everything that happened, if our relationship was going to survive this we had to. As I walked to the healer lost in my thoughts Dorian greeted me.

“Commander, you are just the person I wanted to see, I have some rather interesting news for you.” He said,

“It will have to wait, I need to have the healer look over my wife.” I said without thinking, forgetting for a moment that no one else knew we were married,

“Your wife…my you two didn’t waste any time, I always knew you two were an item but marriage, congratulations Commander, I hope I didn’t miss any exotic wine or cheese that tastes of despair.” He joked,

“It was a private service, Mother Giselle married us before we saw to the Exalted Council.” I answered,

“Despite being in love I can see why you care so much for her, she is perhaps the only real friend I have ever had…but I hope your journey to the healer isn’t because she took a turn for the worst.”

“That remains to be seen, Cole was right the pain the demon inflicted on her was real, when she woke last night she was in a great deal of pain, I hope she hasn’t sustained anything that can’t be seen to with rest.” I explained,

“Since she was trapped in the fade one can only assume that perhaps no serious side effects will come of it.” Dorian theorized,

 “That is what I hope to determine, but you had something you wanted to tell me.” I reminded,

“Yes, after our visit to the Inquisitor yesterday I went with the healer back to his practise to ask what had happened to the arm he removed from her, he told me that it was gone.” Dorian began,

“Gone?” I was puzzled as to what he meant,

“Yes, at first I thought he meant someone had stolen it, but then he showed me where he was keeping it, all that was left were fragments of the strange magic, her arm had been completely consumed by the mark.” He continued,

“So if she hadn’t of asked him to remove it she would be dead by now.”

“Exactly, the healer told me that after he removed it, her arm just started to dissolve itself, I was fascinated, I believe that because the Inquisitor was a mage it slowed the decay.” Dorian reasoned,

“That may be possible, but she did mention that Solas couldn’t stop the mark perhaps he simply slowed it so that she could have a chance to save herself.” I agreed but also added my own information,

“You make an excellent point Commander…might I accompany you back I know she will be weak, but I would like to see her now that she is awake.” Dorian asked, I didn’t see a reason to deny him seeing her, he did say after all that she was his only friend,

“I don’t see why not, I suspect she will want to see you anyway.” I agreed,

“Excellent, and if you wish I can also keep her company while you have to attend to the Exalted Council and patrol the Palace.” He offered, I was not happy with the thought of my wife being alone with another man,

“We’ll see…”

Perhaps he could tell I wasn’t particularly happy with the idea, I didn’t know, but I was saved from him asking questions because we had reached the healer. He noticed us walk in and made his way towards us.

“Commander, I trust your wife is fairing much better now, is she awake?” He asked,

“Yes she is, and I have you to thank for that…but she is in tremendous pain and I was hoping you would have something she could take to help with that.” I answered,

“Yes I do, is it her arm?” He asked,

“No…as you know a demon had trapped her in the fade which is why she couldn’t wake up, the demon has been torturing her for three days and we have it on good authority that the pain she felt was real. I have no idea how extensive her injuries are, nor have I seen any sign of them on her to indicate that she has been tortured, but the pain she is feeling now is definitely real. I had hoped that you would examine her to see if there are any side effects to this or she will just be in pain for a few days.” I explained,

“That is most curious…I’ve never heard of this happening before, but I will do as you ask, just let me fetch a few things.” He said as he scurried around the room gathering several things, and multiple vials,

When he had finished the three of is walked back to the room me and my wife were staying in, when we entered we saw her playing with the Mabari.

“Off the bed Hermes you’ll leave paw prints on the covers.” She scolded, the dog then whined and sat down as it watched us enter,

She was sitting upright in bed with her back against the headboard she looked over as she heard us walk in.

“Inquisitor, it’s so good to see you awake.” Dorian greeted,

“Dorian, it’s good to see you too.” She smiled,

“I feel as if we never talk anymore, when were you planning on telling me you’d married the handsome strappy Templar?” He asked,

“Are you worried I won’t have time for you anymore Dorian? You know you’re special to me, I’d always have time for you.” She teased, I was beginning to get a little irritated that she openly egged him on while I was present,

“Of course you will, you’d miss my charm too much, just like old times back in Skyhold, I enjoyed your visits.” Dorian continued,

“It’s nice to see you are still so aware of your many qualities Dorian, you’re time in Tevinter hasn’t changed you at all.” She joked,

I was more than irritated and I wasn’t about to let this continue, “If you two are quite finished I will not tolerate this behaviour…especially not in my presence.” My wife giggled at what I said and that irritated me further,

“What do you find so amusing?” I asked, did she do this specifically to see my jealousy, because if she needed to prove it was there, I could assure her it was,

“I think you need to explain to your husband that I am not a threat to him, I thought you would have told him.” Dorian said almost surprisingly,

“I would never have told him unless you let me know it was alright to hand out such personal information.” She answered,

“Well I thank you for that…Commander you have nothing to fear about me and your wife, I don’t seek the company of women.” He said turning to me and smiling, I blushed slightly rubbing my neck after what I had said,

“It’s alright Commander you had no way of knowing…I can see why you like him, he’s such a strict Commander, but a cute husband.” Dorian’s smile widened, and my blushing became more noticeable,

“If you two are…finished…the healer needs to work.” I said clearing my throat,

“Of course Cullen, I apologize.” She said, it wasn’t so much her jesting that bothered me but Dorian’s,

The healer set his bag down and after helping my wife out of my robes he began examining her while Dorian and I watched him, she stifled a few pained outbursts as he attempted to discern just how much pain she was in. Her sleeping attire was somewhat revealing and I hardly approved of two other men seeing her like this, it bothered me more than I think she knew. His examination was thorough and I noticed as her eyes began to glisten with held back tears, I wasn’t sure if it was because of the pain or that her dreams were still fresh in her mind.

When he was done he turned to us, “It doesn’t appear that there are any actual injuries that could cause any further problems, so she will be in pain for as long as it takes to heal, but I have some elixirs here that will numb the pain, come see me if you need more.” He explained as he then set about replacing the bandage on my wife’s arm,

She watched him do this, it was the first time she had seen what it looked like after the amputation because she hadn’t woken up from that moment onward. When the bandages were removed she looked away she stared at the roof instead, I knew she was going to have a hard life now that she had lost her arm, but perhaps she didn’t yet want to admit the truth to herself. She had to have known that I would be there to look after her now, even though I was willing I think that was why she was upset, because now she had to rely on me. He cleaned and dressed her arm, reapplying the bandage he tied a neat knot, when he was done he turned to face me.

“I will have the cook make her some broth, eating solid food right now might make her very sick, at least for today she should have only liquid foods, tomorrow we can see about solid food, I will have a kitchen hand bring it here when it is ready. For now I will return to my practise, like I said do not hesitate to see me if she needs more elixirs. Also when she isn’t in so much pain she needs to exercise her muscles which have grown weak, she will need to walk around if only for a few minutes whenever she can. Nothing strenuous while she is still healing.” He said before re-packing his bag and leaving the room,

Dorian took an elixir of the bedside table and handed it to my wife who quickly downed it, “So, all pleasantries aside, how are you really my dear?” He asked,

“I honestly don’t know, all I know for certain right now is how much pain I’m in, my whole body hurts, there is not one part of me that doesn’t scream in agony.” She answered, she had not told me this she only allowed me to assume as much with every pained cry she let out,

“I almost wish I was trained in healing magic, perhaps I could make your burden lighter, I’m sorry.” Dorian apologized,

“No…I should be thanking you…were it not for you I wouldn’t be here now, so thank you Dorian.” She was sincerely thankful he was able to navigate his way back through the eluvian’s,

“You’re most welcome, but I suspect the Commander is just as grateful for my assistance as you are.” He said as he turned towards me with a smile, I didn’t answer and looked away shyly instead,

“Look, I have to go back to Tevinter soon, but I don’t want to leave while you’re like this so I’ll postpone my trip for as long as I can, advice from your friend…please get well as soon as you can, I’m not leaving until I know you’re alright.” He said, he was saddened by the fact that he had to leave,

“Thank you for staying Dorian, it means a lot to me…when you go, tell Varric I’m alright, let everyone know for that matter, I’m sure they’re all worried about me, and I would put their minds at ease.” She said as she turned to Dorian,

“Of course, Varric’s been scrounging for anything he can find out about your condition, so he will be happy to hear your doing much better.” Dorian replied, “When my work here doesn’t consume all my time I will visit you…with your permission.” He continued,

“Of course Dorian, I would like that.”

“Then when next we meet inquisitor.” He said with a half bow before he nodded towards me and then left,

I turned to my wife, “I must speak with Leliana and see to my men, I will be back when I can.” I said, and I then turned to leave,

“Cullen…” She called, I stopped but didn’t turn to face her,

“Don’t…go.” She pleaded,

“I have to, I’ve finally got you back in my life to lose you now…I have to see to the Qunari threat and make sure there will not be an attack, I will return as soon as I can.”

“Please…”

“I’m sorry.”

I continued out the door and leant against it once it was closed, that was harder than it should have been, but I had to go, partially because I needed to know if the Qunari were still a threat, and because I needed some air. Pushing myself upright again I continued on my way, I would shave before I came back so that I didn’t look to ruff around the edges for my wife, I knew she liked my stubbled features. That small memory made me smile, she liked the prickly feel when I kissed her…and…the next memory had me blushing, Maker she was amazing though.

“Leliana have your scouts found any signs of an invasion?” I asked as I walked up to her, she turned to face me,

“Commander, they’ve found quite the opposite actually, the Qunari have abandoned the world through the Eluvian, and with Dorian’s help we were able to explore the area safely without loss of scouts. Some equipment that they had brought with them had been retrieved but besides that most has been abandoned and the place is empty.” She explained,

“Do you think we have an invasion to worry about?” I asked,

“With the information we have gathered, I wouldn’t think so, however the Palace must be kept on alert for weeks to come at best to make sure, and the Eluvian must either be secured or destroyed.” She answered,

“If it is secured I am not sure we could keep whatever may be on the other side from coming through, perhaps the Herald has more insight into how we should handle this.” I reasoned,

“How is she commander, has her condition improved at all?” Leliana asked,

“She is awake and in no immediate danger, however I fear while she was trapped in the fade the demon has set her recovery time back considerably.” I answered,

“I see, I will inform the Council of this outcome but I will also make sure they know she will not be in attendance for a while yet.” She said,

“Knowing them her condition won’t matter.” I said as I shook my head,

“Have you been able to get any information for the Herald about what happened with Solas at the Darvaarad?”

“No, she will explain it all tomorrow though, she wants you, Cassandra, Josephine, and Scout Harding to be present in our strategies room, and she said she will explain everything there, including what she intends to do with the inquisition.” I replied,

“I see, then we will have to wait until tomorrow to get to the bottom of all this, thank you for the information Commander.”

“Of course, now if you’ll excuse me, there are several things I must attend to before retiring for the day, Leliana.” I nodded slightly before I turned and left to find my men,

Seeing to my men and patrolling the Palace to make sure it was secure took up most of my time, and I still had things to do before I returned to my wife. When I had eventually finished everything I had set out to do that day the sun was already beginning to set, I had been away from her longer than I had planned. When I entered our room I was shocked to see that she was trying to walk around with the help of the dog.

“Inquisitor.” I called,

She looked at me and I could see that her eyes were filled with tears, I discarded what I was holding on the dressing table and hurried over to her, supporting most of her weight.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I nearly demanded,

“I’m trying to walk what does it look like.” She replied defiantly,

“You shouldn’t be up yet, come sit down.” I insisted,

“Cullen I was doing fine I had Hermes to help me.” She dismissed,

“You’re not fine, if you were fine you wouldn’t look like you were about to cry.” I set her down on the bed and then stood to face her,

“Perhaps if you hadn’t of left I wouldn’t have to rely on the dog to help me when it should have been you.” She nearly spat, I was pained to see that my leaving had caused her to hate me, I sighed and looked down,

“Cullen I…”

I cut her off, “Don’t worry about it.” I turned to retrieve what I had left on the dresser but I felt her hand catch mine,

“I’m sorry…that was uncalled for, you were only trying to protect me, I just…I don’t feel safe when you’re not near me.”

I knelt in front of her, “I swore I would protect you to the Maker, and I intend to honor those words, I will not watch you come back from the brink of death only for an outside threat to take you from me.” She smiled and cupped my cheek smiling wider when she noticed that I had shaved,

“Is this what took you so long?” She asked,

“Partly I do have some things for you.” I said,

I rose to my feet and retrieved my previously discarded items, I sat on the bed beside her and unwrapped the largest package, revealing to her a silken blue dress shirt much like the red one she had worn to the Council meeting. It had silver trimming and a grey sash, the most notable difference about this shirt compared to the other was that the left sleeve had been stitched halfway.

“You…had the sleeve sewn?” She noticed,

“Yes…I’m sorry should I not have.”

“No, I just…” She sighed heavily,

I put my arm around her for what little comfort it could offer, “It’s a really nice shirt Cullen, thank you I love it.” She continued,

“I thought you would want to wear it tomorrow when you plan to explain what happened at the Darvaarad.”

“I will.”

“I have one other thing for you, close your eyes.” I said as I removed my glove with my teeth,

She smiled widely before complying as I then moved her hair out of the way and over her shoulder before placing a soft kiss on her neck which sent a noticeable shiver down her spine and caused a sharp breath. Perhaps there was still hope for us after all if I could still manage to cause her to respond to my touch in this way, I smiled slyly at the thought. Moving my hands around her neck I slid a gold chain around it, and secured it behind her, returning her hair to its previous location, I sat upright again.

“Open your eyes.” I said softly,

She looked down to see what I had given her, she held it in her hand and noticed that it was the charm I had given her in Ferelden, only now it was on a thin gold chain.

“Cullen, it’s beautiful, thank you.” She turned to me and smiled softly,

“I knew you kept it in your pocket but I didn’t want it to get lost so I had the Jeweller make it a necklace.” I explained,

“It was very thoughtful of you, you didn’t have to do any of this.” She said,

“I didn’t have to…but I wanted to.” I reasoned, “So…you named the dog?”

“Oh yes I did, Hermes seemed like a good name, fitting of a war dog.” She said almost proudly,

“I’m surprised you know about Mabari’s since you are Dalish.” I said honestly,

“I…was in Ferelden for a time…before my clan had to leave.” She replied sounding sad, “But nonetheless what do you think of the name?” She said moving from the topic rather quickly though I didn’t press it,

“I think it is a good name, since he’s our dog I think you choosing his name was better than me trying to name him.” I answered,

“You couldn’t come up with one?”

“I was having an incredibly difficult time when you were the only thing I could think of.” I ran my hand through her long hair,

I knew she wasn’t yet ready for me to become as affectionate as I normally would be with her, so I took solace in the simple pleasures, she didn’t yet trust me completely to not do something to hurt her, so I had to make sure she knew I wouldn’t. If there was anything this experience was teaching me, it was that I loved her no matter what, and would continue to love her come what may. She leaned into me and rested her head on my shoulder, I gently caressed her arm with my hand, she was tired, and I could see that, kissing her head softly I made to speak.

“Want to come to bed my love?” I asked,

She subtly nodded against my shoulder, so I scooped her up into my arms and set her down in bed, pulling the covers up to her chest, I entered the adjoining room and removed my armor. Once I had stripped down to my shirt and pants I re-entered the main room and found that my wife had re-positioned herself comfortably in bed, I didn’t know if she was asleep so I was quiet. Sliding into bed I looked at her for a moment, she had her back to me, I laid flat in bed and stared at the roof, when I said the inquisition would change, I didn’t intend for my wife to change with it.

Tomorrow would see the truth brought to light, what Solas’s part in all this was, and what my wife intended to do with the Inquisition, with how she spoke about Solas when I had asked her before I somehow knew he was going to be at the heart of all this. Which wouldn’t come as a huge shock for me because I already knew that he was a spy inside our inquisition from day one.


	8. There For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Herald goes to meet with the Council, what hardships await her? And will she continue to push her beloved husband further away or pull him close?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a section of text from the document used to write this story, I have not personally proofed it since I abandoned the fic a while ago, so forgive any errors, I just want to have the fic finished for you all.

_(Inquisitors Point of View)_

Simple words that no doubt carried an innocent intent frightened me nonetheless, ‘ _Come to bed’_ I was sure he was only asking if I was tired and wanted to retire for the night but…after everything…I didn’t want to take a chance. I hated how I felt, I hated it because I knew it hurt him, and everything I seemed to do was hurting him unintentionally. Knowing him made it that much worse, because when he said I had no idea what he’d gone through while I was sleeping was true, I had no idea how it must have felt to think that you were watching someone you loved slowly die.

But no matter how hard I tried to fight the feelings I had, it resulted in my caving at the last minute which made things worse than if I had of protested at the start. These feelings were something I couldn’t shake as easily as you could blow out a candle, they were something I had to work through to rid myself of. The nightmares never left me, even though I could feel no presence of a demon like I did when I was trapped in the fade, they persisted. Once there was a time when I would have said I loved my dreams, but not any longer.

I awoke the next day with a sudden jolt and a gasping breath, I looked around, I was still in bed, and thankfully I was permitted to again wake from this nightmare.

“Are you alright?” Cullen’s voice sent a shiver down my spine and when he touched my hand I flinched, I closed my eyes and sighed, I had hurt him again,

“Yes…just a bad dream.” I replied,

I slipped my hand out of his grasp and used it to brush the loose hair out of my face before rising to swing my legs over the edge of the bed, my body screamed in pain and stiffness. I grabbed a vile from the table next to me and downed it, the liquid was bitter and foul tasting but I didn’t really care as long as it ridded me of the pain. I knew I seemed to brush off his love, and that would eventually be too much for him, but to save myself from a pain I didn’t want to face just yet, I did nothing about it.

“How are you feeling?” Cullen asked as he drew closer behind me,

“Better…but I am hungry.” I replied, I may not have been feeling exceedingly better, but I was hungry,

“Would you like me to get you something?” He asked,

“Yes that would be nice, I would rather not address the others on an empty stomach, find me something simple, and perhaps something to drink.” I answered,

As before he changed in the adjoining room but when he re-entered he wasn’t wearing his armor he was wearing the red and blue dress shirt that we all had worn when we first came here. I was slightly curious as to why this was but I dismissed it, I could rarely think properly on an empty stomach, he was about to leave when I called after him.

“Ask Josephine to call the Council to a meeting after we have talked, I wish to quell them as soon as possible.”

“Are you sure that’s wise, you can hardly stand.” He reasoned, I rose to my full height to show him that I could do it easily,

“I am more than capable of addressing the Council Cullen, you have nothing to worry about.” I assured,

“If you are sure I will inform Lady Montilyet of your decision…I will be gone longer…will you be alright here while I’m gone?” He asked concernedly,

“Of course Cullen.” I answered, He looked at me strangely before he left the room, I swiftly slumped back on the bed, that hurt more than I thought it would, the medicine hadn’t yet taken affect,

I thought to myself for a moment, how cold did I appear to him just then? Perhaps it was nothing to worry about, if I was lucky he had attributed my attitude to my weariness, but that excuse wouldn’t get me very far for long. I looked across the room to where Hermes was still sleeping soundly, it was nice to have a pet, and what finer animal to have than a Mabari, although its nature was unlike most of its kind.

When Cullen returned we both ate in silence, I wasn’t sure what his silence meant, I couldn’t tell if he was angry, annoyed, or disappointed, if there was one thing I had learned it’s that his face could show many things, usually all at once and almost unreadable. I also didn’t want to be caught staring at him, so trying to read his features became harder, and it was hard enough on a good day. The silence had been awkward there was no denying that, but neither of us made an attempt to break it, and I was tensing with each passing moment. Finally when I had finished my meal and I felt some of my strength return, I broke the awkward silence that was so thick in the room it could have been cut with a knife.

“I’m going to change now, once I’m done, call the meeting, I’ll be waiting.” I said as I stepped up from my chair and entered the adjoining room to change,

Cullen hadn’t answered me and I wasn’t sure if he even nodded his acknowledgement, I chided myself silently as I realized he was still lingering on my attitude from earlier. Once I entered the room I found the shirt that Cullen had purchased for me yesterday, it was quite lovely, and it wasn’t once I started dressing did I realize just how hard this was going to be now. I had managed to undress and pull on my leather pants, shirt and boots, but I wasn’t able to manage the buckle on the pants and I wasn’t even going to attempt to handle the sash on the shirt…I needed his help.

Was it pride that insisted I stand there and feel sorry for myself as I pondered whether or not to call Cullen in to help me? I wasn’t sure, since I was now paying attention to how long I spent standing here it felt as if an eternity had passed, and I fully expected Cullen to enter to see what was taking me so long. But then I considered the fact that he wouldn’t check to see if I needed help simply because I brushed him off earlier. He wouldn’t do that…would he? Besides having to get changed ready for the meeting I hadn’t done my hair, which also posed another problem because I needed both hands for that…this situation was simply starting to scream _‘Cullen please help me’._

That irritated me, I didn’t want to be the first one to back down and admit a fault, and I had always been like that, although Cullen used to see it as a personality trait that made me more desirable because my cheeks and ears would flush a reddish pink. He always made a note of commenting on how my ears drooped a little bit when I had to give in to him and admit something I had previously fought tooth and nail about which added to the blushing. Unlike most elves my ears seemed to have their own personality, Cullen used to call it my tell whenever I was feeling different emotions, although I could tell they twitched when I was excited or nervous. I had lost track of time while my mind wandered over Cullen and our many moments, which caused me to completely forget I was standing there half naked holding up my pants. I was however brought back to the very present reality of this when there was a soft knock on the door, I blushed instantly as if I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

“Is everything alright in there my dear?” His voice was kind and gentle,

Creators he had the worst timing, “Ah…no…I mean…yes.”

I stuttered, which wasn’t helping my situation but if I told him I was fine he wouldn’t help me, I slumped my shoulders and admitted defeat, I needed him.

“No…” I said on a sigh,

He opened the door slowly to find the situation I was in, there was perhaps one of the biggest smiles on his face that I had ever seen, this smile was specific to moments before we…well…it was his most common look when he saw me naked. I think if I was blushing any more than I was at that moment someone would mistake me for a strawberry, this was definitely one of the many times I had made a fool of myself in front of him. At least it wasn’t as bad as the time when we had gone for a private stroll while we were visiting Ferelden. I had insisted on crossing a river using an old bridge which he said wasn’t sturdy enough to hold one of us let alone both, I had insisted that it was indeed safe but as I walked over I fell straight through.

I wouldn’t have mind so much had my clothes not clung ridiculously to my body, it left no room for imagination, I was pretty much fully exposed even though I was wearing a dress which actually made it worse. Cullen didn’t mind one bit, he had the same smile on his lips that said he approved of my misadventure. He helped me out of the river and gave me his robes so that everyone else wouldn’t see me like this, and he held me closer to him so that the cold air wouldn’t cause me to catch a cold. The memory fuelled my blushing and it had caused me to ignore him as he was trying to ask me something.

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked,

“Did you need my help my dear wife?” He teased, his smile widened to a grin as he watched my ears droop in a silent answer,

“It’s not…funny.” I looked away shyly,

“Perhaps not from where you’re standing.” He dismissed as he walked over smiling the whole time,

It seemed to be that easy to make him forget about earlier, even though I didn’t want to lead him on this was nice, despite how much embarrassment I was facing. Kneeling down he took hold of my pants and I was able to hold the shirt together for the cold air wasn’t pleasant on my bare skin. He had the belt done in a matter of seconds before he rose to his full height again, smiling as he peered into my eyes, I looked away still blushing. I heard a small laugh from him as he started buttoning my shirt, once that was done he took care that he didn’t tie the sash too tightly, asking as he went it if still felt alright. Having finished by tying the ends together he used a small belt to hold it in place, he then found my glove and held it for me while I slipped my hand in, he always had been eager to help me dress in the past.

“My brush is near the bed, if you would help me with that as well.” I said as I walked out of the room toward the bed,

“Of course my lady.” He was enjoying this far too much although I couldn’t tell if that was sincere or not,

I took a seat on the bed while he fetched the brush, once he had it he sat just behind me and gathered all my hair behind me, it was painful at first because didn’t know how to remove knots painlessly until I told him to hold my hair before brushing. Once he did that it became the most relaxing thing in the world, I felt shivers of ecstasy run down my spine as he brushed my hair, there was no way to describe the feeling, I regretted not letting him try when he had asked before. I was disappointed when he stopped, but it was time I stopped dallying and attended my own meeting, my hair wasn’t that long that it needed to be tied up and either way I preferred it down. We both rose but I turned to him and smiled softly before stepping onto the tips of my toes to kiss Cullen on the cheek.

“Thank you Cullen, I appreciate it.”

“I told you I would do anything for you, you need only ask.” He said, he drew me into his embrace,

“No matter what burdens you face because of this, I will be beside you to carry them for you, as long as you will let me, never forget that.” He spoke softly and sincerely,

I knew why he said that specifically, but I wasn’t yet ready, however to hear it from him was something that I needed, soon but not now, I hugged him that little bit tighter before we drew apart.

“I’ll meet you all in the war room.” I said,

“You’ll get there alright on your own, I know you can’t yet walk well?” He asked,

“I should be fine, I have to walk there by myself, I can’t let the nobles see me weak, they need to be able to see me strong, so even if I wanted help, I have to do this alone.” I answered,

“To the void with them and their…Game.” Cullen cursed, “Does it hurt much?” His voice softened,

“The medicine helps.” I replied, I knew that wasn’t the answer he was looking for, but I was evasive for his own good,

“Alright, I will see you there, and then later I’m accompanying you to the meeting, non-negotiable.” He insisted,

I could have tried to fight it but I didn’t he was being too kind to have me dismiss it, “Let’s take the back way when we return.”

He nodded in a silent acknowledgement, I knew he understood why I had suggested it, and he gave me a look of loving sympathy, we left the room together and then went our separate ways, I never looked back to see if he was watching me. I couldn’t, I could already see the nobles watching me and they made no attempt to talk quietly amongst themselves about my appearance, I ignored them as I continued on my way biting my lip so hard I thought it would bleed. The pain was intense and the medicine barely worked but they didn’t need to know or see that, all they needed to see was me appearing strong and unaffected. But creators it was killing me.

I was waiting by myself longer than I thought I would have to, I seated myself on the table while I waited for the others to show up, I didn’t see a point in putting myself through unnecessary pain and suffering when I didn’t have to. On top of having my entire body protest to any movement I did, my arm wasn’t helping matters, the wound was still fresh and it pained me to no end, perhaps the pain was easier to bear because my body was starting to grow numb from it. I heard the door to the room open and I quickly slid off the table straightening my clothes as much as I could before I forced a smile as the group came into view.

I signalled for Cullen to stand beside me as he walked closer, thankfully he caught my hint as he then stood by my side, Josephine, Cassandra, scout Harding and Leliana were all happy but sympathetic when they stood before me.

“Lady Levellan, let me express my pleasure at seeing you today, I am glad to see you are well.”

“Agreed, I did not think that you would be up and about so soon from the reports I was receiving.” Leliana seconded,

“As am I inquisitor, I understand that your arm must pain you right now, but I thank you for agreeing to meet with us about this important matter.” Cassandra added,

“I don’t know how much weight my opinion careers but I am pleased to see you up and around as well Herald.” Harding piped in,

“Thank you, all of you, for being supportive in this time, it means a lot to me, but before I start explaining what happened in the Darvaarad there is something I want to get out of the way first.” I began, acknowledging everyone’s good wishes,

I took Cullen’s hand and entwined my fingers with his, “Cullen and I were married in secret a while ago in the Palace Gardens by Mother Giselle, I don’t know if you already know, but I thought I would say it myself and have it officially recognised.” I continued, I felt Cullen squeeze my hand slightly, I knew Cassandra already knew because Varric had told her,

“What…but…you didn’t tell me, I could have arranged a wedding for the both of you, it would have been amazing, and the gardens are perfect this time of year.” Josephine said,

“There was a reason for it being a secret wedding Lady Montilyet.” Cullen added, “It would not have been received well, the Inquisitor marrying her Commander in the middle of the Council.”

“True enough, though most of us would have wanted to attend, it was strategically handled.” Leliana agreed,

“Congratulations Herald and for what it’s worth I think you made a good choice.” Harding said,

I heard Cullen clear his throat shyly like he usually did, “But having said that we must move on to why the meeting was called…what do you know so far?” I asked,

“Iron Bull explained to us what happened in the Darvaarad with the Qunari that they were trying to find a way to destroy the Eluvian’s and contain as many magical items as they could get their hands on. And with Dorian’s help my scouts were able to determine that the crossroads have been abandoned by the Qunari, so an invasion on the Palace is no longer a threat.” Leliana answered,

“That’s good to hear, although I suspect that soon we shall hear of an attack by the Qunari against Tevinter.” I reasoned,

“That seems likely, but now all that’s left to know is what Solas, an agent of Fen’Harel’s part in all this was and why he gave his orb to Corypheus in the first place.” Cassandra said,

Rage swelled within me at the very mention of his name, I blamed him for everything, if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have had the mark on my hand, I wouldn’t have had to order a healer to cut off my arm, I wouldn’t have been trapped in the fade by a demon and tortured, and I wouldn’t feel sick to my stomach from Cullen’s touch! I had unconsciously been squeezing Cullen’s hand tighter and tighter the more my angry grew for the elf, it wasn’t until Josephine spoke again did I notice  everyone looking at me, I instantly released my vice like grip on Cullen’s hand and looked to him apologetically.

“Lady Levellan?”

“I apologize I was trying to recall all the events…Solas is not an agent of the dread wolf.” I began,

“But we were told that the Vidasala called him such.” Leliana said,

“He is Fen’Harel…he told me before he escaped through an Eluvian, he is perhaps just as old as the first Magister’s that breached the golden city…if not older.” I explained,

“How is this possible, shouldn’t he be dead by now?” Cassandra asked,

“No, Mythal is alive as well, or at least she might be, Solas said they killed her.” I replied,

“Who is they?” Leliana asked,

“The Evanuris, the first of…my people who were immortal just like solas, powerful mages who became known as gods, but because Solas apposed them the Evanuris named him the dread wolf the god of rebellion.” I explained,

“Then who did you see in the fade with Morrigan?” Cullen asked,

“I don’t even know, perhaps she was like Cole came into this world after her death and became human, and then became immortal somehow, or perhaps Solas helped her back into the world…he didn’t tell me that much.” I replied,

“Did he tell you about the anchor?” Cassandra asked,

“Yes…Solas told me that after killing Mythal the Evanuris would have continued to destroy the world, so he created the veil to trap them for eternity. When he created the veil the elves lost their immortality, and it destroyed their world…but every alternative he could think of was far worse than destroying most of his world and elvhen history.” I explained,

“Solas…created the veil?” Cassandra along with everyone else was shocked by that revelation,

“Yes the anchor was what he used to created it, to separate the world we know from the fade, if the veil was not present then just like…me you all would walk the fade. While he slept for millennia the anchor held too much power, he woke a year before he joined the inquisition and was too weak to unlock it himself. Solas allowed Venatori agents to find it and bring it to Corypheus, he was supposed to die while unlocking the orb which caused the explosion at the conclave, but because he could steal the life of anyone with the taint he survived just like when Hawke killed him.

If Corypheus died as Solas had intended then he would have used the anchor to destroy the veil and restore the world of his time while our world burned in the chaos from a demon army that would destroy everything in its way as Corypheus had planned, as we saw in the vision at Redcliffe. Regardless of how difficult it was, and how many lives were lost fighting him, the outcome would have been far worse had Solas obtained the mark, if he had, we would probably all be dead right now.” I continued,

“That was why Solas was so eager to obtain the mark, and why he wanted to know if my people had recovered it, he wanted it to finish his initial plan of destroying us so that he could restore…what a piece of history that is perhaps unsalvageable.” Leliana sneered,

“I’ve seen what his world’s condition is in and so have your scouts…there is nothing to reclaim but destroyed ruins and pieces of knowledge that would change nothing about the elves, I doubt they would even believe it.” I added,

“He would go that far to destroy us and everyone in this world simply to recover ruins left behind by the destruction caused by the veil?” Cullen asked,

“We weren’t even people to him, he cared nothing for us, he saw us as ants to be crushed and swept aside so that he could reclaim a lost glory, he told me that I made it harder for him to desire the destruction of the world because I showed promise, that perhaps we weren’t all worthless creatures. I helped him save his spirit friend that the mages turned into a demon, I helped him so many times, and all the while he saw me as nothing but a dog that did his masters bidding. He must have gotten a good laugh from my cluelessness.” I answered,

I felt my emotions becoming unhinged so I took a moment to gather my thoughts, “But the anchor was destroyed how does he plan to remove the veil now?” Harding asked,

“He never told me that much, perhaps he doesn’t yet know himself, but with how powerful he is, I can guarantee that he will find a way to bring down the veil and destroy our world…but with the instrument used to create the veil destroyed we might not see it brought down in our lifetime. The reason he made the Qunari threat known to us was because he needed the crossroads to himself so that he could move about freely, but they hindered that and he made us clean up the mess. Although the Vidasala made it known that once they had dealt with Solas they intended to move to me next and destroy the magic of the mark, which meant killing me, or imprisoning me so that could find ways to subdue the magic.” I answered,

“From what I’ve heard about the Qunari from Iron Bull that would have been anything but pleasant.” Harding continued,

“Although I hate to admit it to myself, especially out loud the Herald is right, if Solas had of succeeded in his plan we would perhaps all be dead.” Cassandra said,

“I fear you are right Lady Cassandra, despite the circumstances, it could have been far worse.” Cullen agreed,

“How do we stop him from destroying us all?” Josephine asked,

I looked down at the map on the table studying it absentmindedly, “I don’t know…” What could I tell them I truly didn’t know, and it wasn’t about to make what else I had to say any easier either,

“If we find Solas how do you want us to respond, if we ever did find him?” Leliana asked,

“We must stop him by any means necessary even if that means killing him, reasoning with him is not an option I tried that and it did nothing, so we stop him the only way we can…we kill him.” I answered,

“When you were brought back through the Eluvian you said Solas couldn’t stop the mark on your hand, if it was his orb why was he not able to fix it?” Cullen asked,

“He told me that only he could have borne the mark and lived, and that he lured me to him so that he could attempt to save my life because the mark was killing me. He did something to the mark, slowed it so that I might save myself, he told me to ‘live well’ while time remained before he destroyed our world.” I answered,

“I agree with the Herald’s decision killing Solas is our only option, he has no intention of changing his plans.” Leliana said,

“I fear you are right.” Josephine added,

“When I pictured dying, I always thought it was going to be on patrol, not because a powerful mage decided to destroy the veil and flood our world with demons.” Harding joked,

A moment of silence passed between us, “With that out of the way Cullen said you also wanted to talk to us about the fate of the Inquisition.” Cassandra chimed in,

“Yes…I am disbanding the Inquisition.” I replied,

“Disbanding it when the world needs us most?” Cassandra asked,

“We have no choice, the Inquisition is filled with spies from both the Qunari and Solas, that’s the reason he was able to find out about their plan because their spies tripped over his spies, we have become the victim of corruption, which in this case is something we cannot allow.” I insisted,

“She is right, we have what we truly need, Solas knows everything about us, our strengths our weaknesses, who we are and how we work, we have to be careful.” Leliana agreed,

“Which is why we need to find people that Solas doesn’t know, with the Eluvian’s he could be anywhere, but we must find him.” I added,

Cassandra sighed, “You are right as usual, we will have no allies, no formal alliances, but what choice do we have, if we are not careful any progress we make to find Solas will already be known to him.”

“We will have to do things no one should have to do, and we will regret them with every waking moment, but it is our burden to carry if we can save the world from him…we will never be thanked, remembered, and some will never know of the threat, but we make this sacrifice so that others don’t have to, we sacrifice so that many innocents can live.” I explained,

“We do what must be done for the greater good, if the goal out-ways the means then we do what we must.” Leliana seconded, no doubt she had already been doing the unthinkable so that we could defeat Corypheus,

“If there is nothing else Lady Herald, did you want me to convene the Council, I had them awaiting our word?” Josephine asked,

“Yes, we need to focus on defeating Solas as soon as possible.” I agreed,

“Then Josephine and I shall see you there.” Cassandra said,

“And I shall get to work discovering which agents I can truly trust.” Leliana said, as she Cassandra and Josephine began to exit the room while Cullen and I remained,

When they had left I still remained strong, I didn’t cave like I wanted to at the pain I was enduring, I instead stood bravely, but I sensed that Cullen had questions.

“Solas seems to anger you more than he should, just as Samson angered me.” He began, “What’s bothering you?”

“Perhaps, I’m more concerned with how he used us to do his bidding and then discarded us as garbage when our job was done, and continues his plan to destroy us all.” I answered, there was so much more to it than that,

“Don’t let it drive you, if you do your hate will consume you and you will become someone you no longer recognise.” Cullen warned, was that how it was for him and mages,

“I have already done things I wish I hadn’t, there is no going back from that point.” I dismissed,

“There is, you can always redeem yourself, become who you once were.” He insisted,

“Through prayer and dedication to the Maker?” I sneered at the thought, “Perhaps he is more real than my elvhen gods…but either way he has done nothing for me.”

“Perhaps he has done more for you than you know.” Cullen simply said, I wasn’t in the mood for such a debate, it was never a wise idea when pain was what drove me, I would say something I would regret,

“Cullen…”

“Yes my dear?”

“Does it hurt?” I asked,

“Does what hurt?” He was curious,

“Your hand.” I lifted his hand closer so I could see it,

“My love, don’t worry about it, its fine you didn’t hurt me.” He assured,

“I didn’t mean to…” He placed his hand on my cheek but this time I contained my flinch,

I looked away with sorrow in my eyes, he could perhaps sense my sadness I hoped he couldn’t, “I need your help with something Cullen.” I said,

“Name it.” He drew his hand back to his side,

“I need to find the writ from Divine Justinia granting the authority to restore the Inquisition.”

“Of course, if I can remember where Cassandra put it.” Cullen answered,

We had ended up searching for a lot longer than I had anticipated because it turned out that Cassandra had put it on the top of the bookshelf and while we had searched through the books, it sat just out of view.

“Are you ready to go my love?” He asked,

Extending his left hand out to me while he held the writ in the other, I took it and we walked side by side through the Palace the muttering we heard from the nobles was worse than when I had walked alone. Now all I could hear them talk about was love affair laden gossip, I felt Cullen squeeze my hand reassuringly letting me know he was there to be my shield, I sighed inwardly at the thought. I wanted to run, run and hide somewhere no one could see me where I would be free from prying eyes that demanded I tell them everything about myself, this wasn’t my kind of environment, Cullen knew this and let me know he was there for me.

This was going to be a long walk.


End file.
